Category Archives: Torah Tuesdays

Torah Tuesdays: What’s the purpose of life?

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Depending on where I’ve been in my journey, this question has elicited a wide variety of answers.

Shortly after I didn’t get into any of my grad school choices (boy, was that fun), this question led to much reading of Existential works and listening to the Smiths.  It was a crisis of being, for sure.  If I wasn’t on the track to becoming a professional clarinetist, who was I?  What was the purpose of all my studying, all those hours of practice?  What was the direction of my life?  It was dismaying.  Reading Sartre didn’t really help.

When I was becoming frum, my purpose and direction were blessedly clear.  I had a number of tangible goals:  Learn Hebrew, become familiar with the prayers, the blessings before and after meals, the nuances of frum life.  It was invigorating.  I loved it.  Everything was new, shiny, fresh and just waiting for me to learn it.

Then, as a single, eligible frum girl, my purpose was to find a husband, and hopefully start a family.  Sure, I had other goals, and I was very busy working several jobs, volunteering, and studying, but my main focus was on finding me a man.

Thank G-d, things have gone well these past four or so years.  I’m in a good place and have settled into a comfortable routine.  The challenges of keeping a house, raising children and strengthening my marriage keep me very occupied.  I also have a healthy amount of me-time, which I spend blogging, or being musical, or socializing with my friends, be it online or in real life, and also relaxing.

Last night, I listened to the first recording of a class I recently started (it’s a teleconference thing, hence the recording).  It prompted me to ask myself:  What is really the purpose of my life?  Like, if I had to say what I was living for, what my ultimate goal was, what would I say?

It made me realize, with a bit of chagrin, that I haven’t asked myself that question in a while.  I’ve been “too busy.”  Now, I have many very valid busy-making reasons, but I also have a fair share of, shall we say, less valid reasons.  That line between productive me-time and mindless vegetation is a blurry one.  I’m happy to be back in a place where I am again asking myself questions that help me stay focused on my goals and directions in life.

When’s the last time you asked yourself what your purpose was? 

Don’t forget about Tu B’Shvat Shvat Shvat, which starts tonight!   Happy New Year!  If you’re a tree, that is.

Torah Tuesdays: Hanging in the Balance

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Well, here we are in the Aseres Yemei Teshuvah, the ten days in between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur.  In these days our judgments are hanging in the balance, and we are praying for the best.  It’s common for people to  step up their mitzvah observance in order to merit a favorable judgment.  Some people take on certain stringencies during this time.

In theory, this seems pretty simple, right?  You want a good judgment, so you make good choices.  Should be easy.

The past few years, it did seem easy for me.  It was a serious time of year, fate hanging in the balance and all that, so I shaped up, took on some extra customs (like Pas Yisroel), and tried my best to be my best. I felt pretty confident, all super-spiritual and whatnot.  Piece of cake!

You’d think that eventually I’d learn that I am not immune to failing.  Seriously.  I keep thinking I’m perfect, only to constantly rediscover that (surprise!) I’m not.

I don’t know about you all, but I was suuuuper stressed out this Rosh Hashana.  My stress level was through the roof.  Like, reality-tv stress level.  It was not pretty.  I felt like I was being given test after test after test.  But harder than usual.  And also, I was getting failing grades on these tests.  Consistently.

Ugh.

Since it’s the Aseres Yemei Teshuvah, and I am all too aware that my judgment from Rosh Hashana is, to some extent, dependent on my actions during these ten days, I’ve been feeling a combination of appalled, freaked out, and apathetic about my dismal state of affairs.

However, I finally snapped out of it today.  I remembered that I CAN change my reactions and my attitudes to more positive ones, I CAN stop being stressed out and I CAN make better choices.

After all, during these ten days, it’s prime time to start moving in a better direction.  This is the time to show Hashem that yeah, we wanna do better.  I know that I’ll probably still slip up, perhaps more than I would like, but that I genuinely want to improve, and that I’m putting forth some effort to do so.  I’ll make a resolution to improve something small and doable (my friend Ruchi has some great suggestions for that), and daven for success in maintaining it.

May we all have success in improving our choices, and may we all have a gmar chasima tovah! 

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Torah Tuesdays: Rosh HaShanah davening with small children afoot

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blowing the shofar (by Alphonse Lévy)

Image via Wikipedia

I recently started davening  from a siddur again after a long stretch of it not being feasible.  Though I definitely have had finer moments with my concentration level, I’m happy to at least do what I can.

Weekday Shemoneh Esrei?  No problemo.  Thank G-d, my kids are able to occupy themselves while I daven.   Shemoneh Esrei for Rosh Hashanah, and, even more so, Mussaf?  I don’t think that’s gonna happen without some forethought (just open your machzor and LOOK at how long it is).

Now, before I lay out some options, let’s remember that the avodah of a mother on the high holidays is to take care of her children.  That is her spiritual connection (Rabbi Chalkowski says so).  When having to pick between tefillah and children, the children always come first.  In fact, in Rabbi Chalkowski’s latest Q&A email (love those), he stated that just hearing the 30 shofar blasts is enough to fulfill a mommy’s Rosh Hashana obligations.

Along this line, a friend of mine recently asked a well-known chinuch Rav how mommies should transmit the meaning and essence of Rosh Hashana to our (little) children.  He stated (and I’m seriously paraphrasing here) that since Rosh Hashana is when we coronate Hashem as King, we should create an atmosphere of coronation.  How?  By behaving as though royalty is actually in our home.  The table should be set beautifully, we should be dressed in our Yom Tov finest, the children should be dressed nicely as well.  We can continue to set the tone by singing beautiful Rosh Hashana songs, as well as Adon Olam.  Whatever conveys the importance of the day.

For me, davening to Hashem is part of conveying the importance of the day.  Standing in front of the King and acknowledging His supremacy through saying the words of Mussaf?  Yes, please.  Rabbi Chalkowksi also said, in his Q&A, that we should try to daven the Shemoneh Esrei of Shacharis, then later, Mussaf  (he also said that if it’s not possible, do what you can, and Hashem will certainly understand, so no worries!).

But how, pray tell, are we to accomplish davening (again, did you SEE how long those tefillos are)?

Davening in shul or at home?

Back in the day, I loved davening in shul on the high holidays.  To hear kaddish, to be able to listen to the chazzan’s repetition, to be surrounded by people immersed in prayer – geshmack.  It inspired in me a feeling of awe and connectedness.  I looked forward to the beautiful melodies and the intensity of the experience.

Now, on the (very) rare occasions when I have had the opportunity to daven in shul, I find it distracting.  I feel pressure to daven at everyone else’s pace instead of the leisurely one I’m accustomed to at home.  Sometimes there’s talking (though hopefully not!), sometimes it’s freezing, sometimes it’s overcrowded.  There’s also the matter of showing up at shul during various parts of the service, like in the middle of Shemoneh Esrei, or the Torah reading, etc., which make it tricky, if not impossible, to daven.

So, I decided that while it’s nice in theory, at this point in my life, I don’t connect so well in shul.  If I’m going to daven, I’m going to do so at home.  That’s me.  I know some people really make an effort to go.

Kids in shul?

I’m a big fan of NOT bringing kids to shul, as they can be distracting not only to their own mommy, but to everyone around them.  Even if your children are angelic beings who sit quietly in the chair beside you (I actually have a friend whose daughter can DO this.  I never thought it was possible), they are still distracting through their cuteness.

Disagree with me if you like, but I’m just not into bringing kids to shul for davening until they’re old enough to understand what is going on, the sanctity of the space, etc.

What about shul babysitting? 

Some shuls provide babysitting for their congregants.  Back in the day, when I was still single, I helped run a high holidays kids’ program for Aish.  The parents were able to focus on their tefillos (hopefully), and the kids got some educational programming (and candy).

On a personal level, though, shul babysitting is a creature with which I had extremely limited experience.  None of the shuls we’ve attended in the past three years have offered it, so it wasn’t even something I considered.  Now, when we visit my in-laws, their shul does has babysitting.  The one time I availed myself of it, I was quickly summoned back to the room, as my toddler (at that point, my only) needed me.  This experience basically nixed the potential for my concentration during tefillah.

Taking turns with a neighbor to go to shul

I know some folks who make arrangements with their neighbors.  It goes like this: The neighbor watches the kids  for a certain amount of time while the other mommy davens in shul.  Then they swap.  I also know families who enlist an older daughter to watch the kids, and then the mother switches off with the older daughter for shul time.

Again, davening in shul for me is not really a goal at this point.

Davening at home

As far as I can see, there are two options here:

  • Waiting for your husband to come home and having him watch the kids while you daven (Rabbi Chalkowski’s recommendation).
  • Having a Rosh Hashana playdate with a friend.  Said friend watches the kids while you daven (and vice versa).

If waiting for your husband, davening Shacharis is pretty much out of the question, but mussaf should be feasible.  You can even daven mussaf after the meal, if pressed for time.

Before arranging a playdate, there are a few things to consider:

  • Is this a friend your kids know well?
  • Do the children play together nicely?
  • Is your child going through stranger anxiety, or having difficulty with change?
  • Are your children happy to play with other kids?
  • Are your kids okay when you are away from them for short periods of time (say, a half hour)?

Again, when choosing between tefillah and children, the children come first.  However, if you feel confident that your children will be fine while you take the time to daven, by all means, go for it!

Much hatzlacha to everyone this Rosh Hashana.  Ksiva v’Chasima Tovah.  May we all be inscribed and sealed for good, and may it be a sweet new year for us all!

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Torah Tuedays: Random Acts of Kindness

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If you haven’t checked out my Rosh Hashana Card Giveaway, you can go here and enter to win!

Today’s post is about doing nice things for other people, sometimes for people we don’t know and may never meet.  The concept of doing random acts of kindness is one of my faves.  One thing I like about it is that it helps me think about the needs of others outside my immediate circle.

A woman I know, when she finds a great parking spot (the ones I call “rock-star parking” because they’re so close to the store), leaves it for someone else, taking a different spot for herself.  She says that every time she really needs a spot, she’s able to find one.

Another act of kindness I’ve heard about is paying for the order of the person behind you in line.  This would apply more at a coffee shop than a grocery store (ha, wouldn’t that be nice!).  Can you imagine the lift it must give to the person who gets an unexpected free coffee?

I have a friend who would frequently call me from the grocery store to see if I needed anything.  It really impressed me that she thought of me, that I may need something.  It inspired me to try and think of others on a more constant and practical basis.

Standard shopping cart, picture taken at a Weg...

it's just waiting to be properly corralled. Look at it!

One random act of kindness that I often practice is returning errant shopping carts.  You know, the ones that are in the middle of the parking spot that you want?  Those.  If I’m on my way into the store, I’ll take that cart and use it for my shopping.  If I’m on my way to my car, I’ll return the cart to the corral along with the cart I used.  I do this even when I have my kids with me.  I explain to them that we’re returning the cart because it’s a nice thing to do, and it will make someone happy.

I’ve gotten “caught” a few times by employees, and they usually look surprised, and then they thank me.  Sometimes profusely.  It’s no fun to have to fetch all those scattered carts.  I know.  I’ve been there.

Oftentimes, in today’s world, we are encouraged to say “what’s in it for me?”  The Torah teaches us that we should think of things in terms of responsibility.  What are we obligated to do?  One mitzvah (obligation, in another word)  is to emulate Hashem, who is constantly giving.

Acts of kindness, chesed, are one of the mitzvos where we are rewarded in both this world and the next (like my friend who’s always able to find a parking spot when she needs one).  Each act of kindness that we do helps develop us into a kinder, more thoughtful person.  When we give something to another person, we are stretching our giving muscles, making it that much easier to give the next time.

Being considerate of other people’s feelings is doing the mitzvah of  “Love your neighbor as yourself,”  one of the most fundamental mitzvos in the Torah.  Don’t we always want our feelings to be considered?  Doesn’t it rankle when we feel we are being mistreated?  Usually.  So it behooves us to try and think of others, even when it’s outside of our comfort zone.

This week, try and find an act of kindness to do which you haven’t done before.  It could be making dinner for someone who’s moving, offering to watch your friends’ children for an hour, or visiting an elderly neighbor.  Keep your eyes open for opportunities to help out, and go for it!  Stretch those muscles.

What are some random acts of kindness you’ve performed, or have seen performed? 

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Torah Tuesdays: The Ten Commandments

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The Ten Commandments, In SVG

not exactly how they looked IRL, but you get the idea

I thought it might be nice to do a Judaism 101 post, you know, a back-to-the-basics kind of thing.

The Ten Commandments are a pretty basic part of Jewish belief.  After all, whatever I’m posting on these Torah Tuesdays posts can be linked back to these commandments in some way.   Indeed, we learn that every single mitzvah has its roots in the Ten Commandments.

Neat, right?

As fundamental as these commandments are, I really don’t think about them all that much.  However, leading up to the high holidays, I thought it would be useful to review them, to concentrate on these basic tenets of Judaism.

Here is a great video from Lori Palatnik which provides a cute memory device for remembering the commandments.

If you don’t feel like watching the video (though it is very cute), here’s a nice rundown of the commandments (taken from Judaism 101):

1. Belief in G-d
This category is derived from the declaration in Ex. 20:2 beginning, “I am the L-rd, your G-d…”
2. Prohibition of Improper Worship
This category is derived from Ex. 20:3-6, beginning, “You shall not have other gods…” It encompasses within it the prohibition against the worship of other gods as well as the prohibition of improper forms of worship of the one true G-d, such as worshiping G-d through an idol.
3. Prohibition of Oaths
This category is derived from Ex. 20:7, beginning, “You shall not take the name of the L-rd your G-d in vain…” This includes prohibitions against perjury, breaking or delaying the performance of vows or promises, and speaking G-d’s name or swearing unnecessarily.
4. Observance of Sacred Times
This category is derived from Ex. 20:8-11, beginning, “Remember the Sabbath day…” It encompasses all mitzvos related to Shabbos, holidays, or other sacred time.
5. Respect for Parents and Teachers
This category is derived from Ex. 20:12, beginning, “Honor your father and mother…”
6. Prohibition of Physically Harming a Person
This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not murder.”
7. Prohibition of Sexual Immorality
This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not commit adultery.”
8. Prohibition of Theft
This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not steal.” It includes within it both outright robbery as well as various forms of theft by deception and unethical business practices. It also includes kidnapping, which is essentially “stealing” a person.
9. Prohibition of Harming a Person through Speech
This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” It includes all forms of lashon ha-ra (sins relating to speech).
10. Prohibition of Coveting
This category is derived from Ex. 20:14, beginning, “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house…”

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image via Wikipedia

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Torah Tuesdays: A Month of Introspection

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I love it when Torah Tuesdays coincides with Rosh Chodesh!  What a treat!

Today is Rosh Chodesh Elul.  Elul is the last month of the Jewish year.  It is the month preceding the high holidays (Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur).  It is a month of spiritual accounting and preparation for the upcoming holidays.

You may recall that the Jewish year is like a spiral:  As it cycles through the year, each time period is imbued with its own spiritual flavor which connects back to the events of that time throughout history.  Pesach is a time of freedom, Sukkos is a time of rejoicing, and the High Holidays are a time of judgment and renewal.  Elul is a month of Divine mercy and forgiveness. 

The days of Elul are called “days of grace” or “days of compassion.”  It was during this time, back in the days of our desert-wandering, that Moshe was successful in his pleas for forgiveness after the incident with the Golden Calf.  This is when Moshe went back up the mountain, a second time, to spend another 40 days to commune with G-d.  This is when Moshe learned the 13 Attributes of Mercy (Exodus 33:18-34:8).

We say that during the month of Elul, the “King is in the field.”  This means that during this time of year, G-d is closer to us, so to speak, than He is at other times.  This closeness makes Him especially accessible, and makes it easier to return to a way of living which will extend this closeness (I’m talking about improving our actions and service to G-d here, folks).

So, we dedicate this month to saying special prayers (we start reciting Psalm 27 at the end of Shacharis), sounding the shofar, taking a spiritual accounting, and yes, doing teshuvah.

A shofar made from a ram's horn is traditional...

it's a shofar! dooeee do do do do do do do

This is an excellent time to start asking ourselves:  How do I want to grow?  What’s holding me back?  How can I move forward?  And once we’ve answered those questions, it’s time to act on it.

I’m planning on cracking open my machzor and reading a small portion of the Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur services each day, that way when it’s time to daven on those awesome days, I’m somewhat familiar with what I’m saying (it really makes such a difference, no shocker there).

I also plan on using Rabbi Simon Jacobson’s book 60 days:  A Spiritual Guide to the High Holidays, which I love.  It covers all the days between Rosh Chodesh Elul and Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan.  Each day is allotted two pages:  The first has a calendar with a quote, a list of historical events that occurred on that day, and some laws and customs.  The other page has an inspirational thought and a practical exercise.

I’ve used this book for several years now, and while I do tend to peter out in the middle of the month (but not this year, I hope!), I still feel that I’ve gained from what I’ve read.  I’m excited each year when I open it up.  Much of this post was drawn from Rabbi Jacobson’s excellent introduction.

How are you planning to use this time of year to improve?  Are there any books or resources you recommend?

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Torah Tuesdays: Reposting with Care

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Today’s Torah Tuesdays (say that one three time fast) is coming to you on the late side, as I just got home from a shiur given by Rabbi Yaakov Marcus of Neve (awesome!!!), who is currently in town.

I’ve posted before about how what we say and how we behave affects people.  But how about being discerning with what information we disseminate online?  What we share online also affects people (this is now sounding like a preview of my next positivity in social media post), and so some discernment would be recommended.

However, discernment sometimes seems scarce in social media.  I’m not sure exactly why, since everything which is posted online travels at the speed of light, can reach an incredible amount of people and is there FOREVER.  So, one would think that we would all be careful in what we post, tweet, comment, yes?

However, I think that in this technological era, it’s all too easy to make snap judgments and then tweets, post and repost away.  It’s just the click of a button.  Easy.  However, what happens when we’re wrong?  When we repost and are incorrect?

I reposted the following on my Facebook status a couple of days ago:

In the past 72 hours Israeli cities (Not military camps. Cities!) have been bombarded by over 70 missiles. Many Israeli citizens are wounded, some are dead. This has not reached the news at all. No mention of this is on CNN, BBC or SKY. If you condemn targeting missiles on women and children-please put this message on Facebook!

I don’t frequently repost, but in this case, I knew that Israel was getting bombarded, and that I hadn’t heard much about it.  The fact that I had heard a reference to it on NPR didn’t seem to register with me at the time.  Not too long after this post went up, a friend of mine requested a source.

A source??! I thought. Chutzpah!! I scoured the ‘net for information about the shellings, posted four links as well as a piece of my mind about terrorism and Israel and media bias.  So there!

However, my (very nice) friend calmly replied that he wasn’t doubting that there were rocket attacks, he just wanted to know what my source was if it wasn’t being reported widely, and that if it’s something to be reposted, people need something to link to for more information.

Oops.

I realized that I had responded the way I did because I was embarrassed that I could have reposted something that wasn’t true.  In fact, doing a quick search of the news sites which were mentioned, I found that there was a story on the “truce” on the homepage of BBC.com.

Double oops.

So I changed my status to this:

Many Israeli cities have been bombarded with missiles in the last five days. Though the coverage is not as extensive as we would like it to be, it is there. We may not like it, but the news is not up to us. What is up to us is praying and doing good deeds to improve the world. Please daven (pray) for peace to finally come to Israel, and for all this horrible violence to stop. You can repost this to try and make a difference, but the difference is really up to you.

When I had reposted that first status, I really felt that I was doing the right thing.  I’m often unhappy with the media coverage given to Israel, and remembered how I felt like I heard nothing about the plight of the residents of Sderot whose city was under assault from Gaza for years.   So this scenario seemed plausible.

Qassam-Rockets in Sderot

these are qassam rockets fired at sderot.

But I was wrong.  I reacted emotionally and, even though I agree that the situation should be publicized on Facebook, I publicized something which was partially untrue.  And on top of that, I reacted defensively to a friend who didn’t deserve that kind of response.  It’s doubly embarrassing, but provides two good lessons:

1)  Check, check and double-check before reposting.  Are the facts really accurate?  Is it something that I can stand behind if asked about?

2) Don’t post while upset.  Watch those emotions.  Yes, it’s a topic I feel strongly about, but replying to something when I still feel defensive or riled up is usually a recipe for disaster.

Part of being an upright person is being honest.  Honest with others, honest with ourselves.  It’s easy to spread rumors about media bias, or the latest scandal involving who-knows-what, or misinformation in general.  However, spreading things too soon, without proper thought, creates more confusion in the world and therefore, less connection.

I’m going to try to be more discerning with what I share.  I’m sure that I will still slip, most likely in areas where my passions run high, but hopefully I can try and achieve the goal of being honest and discerning in my interactions, online and off.

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image via Wikipedia

 

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Torah Tuesdays: Making the bride and groom happy

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If you’ve never been to an Orthodox wedding, you should really get to one.  I mean it.  They are a mix of seriousness (the ceremony) and crazy-funness (the reception).  Picture rabbis in dark coats and long beards, and then picture those same rabbis dancing with their arms in the air, juggling, doing handstands, showing off complicated footwork, acrobatics, pyrotechnics, you name it.  And that’s just a tiny taste of it.  People  go all out.

You really have to see it to believe it.

I had the very good fortune to attend a wedding last night.  I’m very close to the kallah’s family, and it was a absolute pleasure to dance with the kallah, her mother, and many dear friends who came in all the way from St. Louis, MO to celebrate the wedding in Lakewood, NJ.

It’s a big mitzvah to make a chosson and kallah happy on the day of their wedding.  It’s part of the mitzvah of loving your fellow as yourself (one of my faves).  Part of this mitzvah is to make sure that the chosson and kallah have what they need.  That’s one reason you’ll always see people bringing them water, or a chair to sit in, and lots  and lots of shtick to enjoy.  That’s why people go all out during the dancing.  That’s where the unicycles come in.  ‘Cause, really, who doesn’t love unicycles?

One who makes a chosson and kallah happy merits the Torah, and it’s considered to be like bringing an offering to the Temple AND as if you’ve built one of the ruined houses in Jerusalem, so it’s kind of a big deal. (paraphrased from vosisneias.com)

It’s also nice because sometimes the young (or not so young) couple can be very nervous as they embark on this new stage in life.  It’s exciting, but life as they know it is about to change, so dancing your skirt off can help ease that tension.

Anyways, I’m pretty much exhausted from all the driving and dancing I just did (and in heels, no less.  Don’t judge me, I love them), so I will leave you with this question:

What’s the most interesting dancing/shtick/entertainment you’ve seen at a wedding? 

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Torah Tuesdays: Stop the baseless hatred

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The destruction of the Temple of Jerusalem.

Yes, I know it’s Monday, but I wanted to get this idea out into the interweb before the fast starts tonight.

Last week I talked about one way to help hasten the redemption.  To sum up, because lashon hara led to the institution of Tisha B’Av, it is also preventing the redemption.  So don’t speak lashon hara.

Well, that’s not the only reason the redemption hasn’t come yet (sorry).  We’re also still in exile because of sinas chinam – baseless hatred.  Baseless hatred is one of the things that destroyed our Temple.  In fact, it is the sole reason our second Temple was destroyed.  It’s actually equal to all three sins which destroyed the first Temple (murder, idolatry and adultery/incest).  That’s pretty serious (obviously).

So, what is sinas chinam – baseless hatred?   It doesn’t just mean “oh, I hate her because she stole my bangs” or “I hate him because his shirt is too loud.”  The English translation of the word chinam into “baseless” is misleading.  Literally, sinas chinam means “free hatred,” a hatred which is free flowing.   This can be hatred that has a seemingly valid reason.  Like if someone slighted you, insulted you, offended you or was inconsiderate of your feelings.  Those are all reasonable reasons to have negative feelings toward someone, right?

However, the Talmud ties sinas chinam to the notion of hiding one’s hatred, and seforim such as Kad Hakemach and Ahavas Yisrael link sinas chinam to the prohibition of hating a fellow Jew in your heart.

It’s understandable to be upset when upsetting things happen, when people act in a manner which is inappropriate, inconsiderate, or just plain mean.  I wish I could say that I’ve never held a grudge, that I’ve never been so mad at a fellow Jew that I couldn’t see straight.  But I’ve been there, unfortunately.

In situations that are difficult, it’s good to take some advice from my friend Ruchi, who asks “How’s that working out for you?”  Indeed, holding onto the frustration and hurt feelings, the grudge, the negativity, replaying the upsetting interactions in my mind over and over again, how was that working out for me?  Not well.  It made me tense and easily upset (the only plus side was that due to the anxiety I lost some weight).

So I davened.  A lot.  A whole lot.  I also consulted my Rebbetzin about the situation, who was able to give me Torah guidance for dealing with it.  And over time, things did get better.  It also helped to put it in perspective – my holding onto those negative feelings was preventing the redemption from coming.  What?  How’s that for perspective?

You know that roommate/friend/sibling/in-law/acquaintance who has upset you in some way?  Ask yourself if the anger and frustration you’re holding onto, that grudge, those negative emotions, whatever it is, are they worth not having the Beis HaMikdash?  Hmm?  Is stewing over not being invited to a bar mitzvah equal to not bringing Moshiach?  Is being upset at a pestering relative worth forfeiting the redemption?

No, it’s not.

So, please, do your best to try to forgive that person in your life who is difficult, who is maybe even impossible.  We all have them (hopefully we aren’t them…).  Moshiach’s not gonna come until everyone is playing nice with each other.  Yes, it’s not easy.  Yes, some people don’t know how to apologize.  Yes, feelings have gotten hurt and misunderstandings galore have occurred, and perhaps words have been spoken that should not have been, or actions done which have caused a seemingly irreparable breach.

If you can be the first to make a step towards reconciliation, think of the bracha and shalom you will bring into the world.  It doesn’t matter if you didn’t do anything wrong, you can still apologize.  Hurt feelings, even if you don’t think they are valid, are STILL hurt feelings for that person.  That’s a concept that helps me apologize when I don’t exactly feel like it.

May you have a meaningful fast, and may next Tisha B’Av be a day of simcha!

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image via Wikipedia

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Torah Tuesdays: Speaking well of others

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As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, the three weeks, and within them, the nine days, are some of the saddest days on the Jewish calendar.  Many of the calamities that have befallen the Jewish people (and oh, have there been a lot of those) originated from events that occurred during this time period.  These sad days lead up to Tisha B’Av, the saddest day of the year.

Why all the sadness?  

Well, to go back to the very beginning, we have to look at the generation in the desert, the ones who spoke ill of the land of Israel and prompted a national panic.  Remember that?  After the spies went to check out the land (and even that was a questionable move, if you recall), they came back and nearly all of them said,

“No way we’re gonna be able to do this.  The people who live there?  Massive!  We’re like grasshoppers compared to them and we’re gonna get squashed.”

Mass hysteria ensues, and Hashem decrees that since they cried over nothing (since of course it was going to be okay to go into the land), then for all the years to come, there will be reasons to cry.  And there were.

Why are we still crying, then?  Hasn’t it been long enough?

You would think so, right?  I mean, it’s been over 2000 years.  That’s a long time.  Since then, lots has happened.  The world was discovered to be round, and the earth revolves around the sun, there’s gravity, America, revolutions and industrialization, cars, space race, world wars, cold war, women’s lib, civil rights, internet … a lot.  So many developments, yet here we are, still mourning the loss of our temples, and remembering the massive amount of calamities that our people have suffered over the long, long years of exile.

The Chofetz Chaim said that because the root of all this sadness was the sin of Lashon Hara, bad speech (in this particular case, slander), that’s what we need to fix to end the sadness.  And if we don’t have our temple yet, it’s cause we haven’t fixed this part of ourselves.  Basically, it’s up to us.

Sound familiar?

I feel like this is a very commonly mentioned idea, even to the point that it has become part of the scenery.  When it’s brought up, a feeling of oh-this-again can occur.  Because of the repetition of this concept, of the importance of avoiding lashon hara, there can be a knee-jerk reaction to say,

“Yeah, I know that I’m not supposed to speak lashon hara and that it’s really bad, but what am I supposed to do?  Not talk at all?  Only talk about the weather?  How am I supposed to communicate with people and still avoid all the things I’m not supposed to say?”

Perhaps also because it can seem like a very daunting goal, a normal reaction is to just brush it off, as it were.  To say

“I’m just not holding there right now.  I’m not on that level.”

I recently read an article in Binah magazine (Vol.4 No.183 – thanks for lending it to me, E) about Rebbetzin Batsheva Kanievsky in Bnei Brak.  One point in the article stood out for me.

“And to those who say that shemiras halashon [guarding one's speech] is only possible when one avoids interacting with people, the Rebbetzin disproves that claim.  Her entire day is spent speaking with women, from all walks of life…”

Okay, so it can be done, but I’m no Rebbetzin Kanievsky.  How am I, an average woman, supposed to manage it?

How to get past the mental block

Start Small.  A reasonable way to begin is to select one hour a day and designate that period of time to be a lashon-hara-free zone.  Now, picking from 3-4 in the morning is a little bit like cheating, so try to pick a time that’s realistic but not a gimme.  A time period that you’re awake, but that you think will be possible to achieve the goal.  Like during carpool, or when you’re making dinner, or getting the kids ready for sleep.  A time period where you could theoretically talk to people, but not where you feel you are likely to be overly challenged.  Save that time for a future goal.

Knowledge is power.  It can be overwhelming to follow the rules of correct speech if they are only vaguely familiar to you.  If you can, get a friend to study the laws with you.  Two a day is the recommended amount.  There are two books by Artscroll publishing that divide the laws of speech up into nice little daily doses.  A Lesson A Day and A Daily Companion.  I highly recommend them.

If you can’t find a friend to study with, don’t be discouraged. You can always study on your own.  It’s just better to have a friend to help motivate (like the same thing about gong to the gym, you know?  Peer pressure and all that).  If you like, contact me, and I’ll be your buddy.

An additional word about speech

These days, it’s not just what comes out of your mouth.  I’ve seen some really heinous comments on blog posts (thank G-d, none on mine – thank you all for being such positive commenters!), things that perhaps wouldn’t have been said if there were a face-to-face dialogue.  With the internet, it’s so easy to just post a comment or send an email that can really cause a lot of damage and pain.

During these nine days (well, eight now), I’m going to try to be more careful with my speech, bli neder.  If we all make an effort to improve ourselves, just a little bit, in this area, then we could really merit to see the redemption.  And who doesn’t want that?  After everything that has happened, even just in this past month.  We could use a better world.  Let’s try to make it so.

What are some ways you try to work on correct speech?  Any tips or tricks to help make it easier?

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