Category Archives: Relationships

Keeping the Peace in My Marriage

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tandpasta uit een tube

Do you see that? Squeezed right up by the top.

No matter how fantastic a spouse may be, living with another human being is bound to bring the occasional conflict.  Most of us are probably familiar with the toothpaste tube scenario – one spouse squeezes from the middle, the other from the bottom, and angst ensues.  On the surface, this is a banal and even petty issue, but somehow it can become representative of an entire relationship:

“If you really loved me, you’d squeeze from the bottom!  You don’t value my feelings!  You don’t respect me!!!!”

Granted, this is an extreme reaction, but for some reason, these minor differences can become a point of great frustration in a relationship.  The goal is to keep these small frustrations from becoming Big Problems.  Here are some tools I’ve used to keep things below the boiling point.

Disclaimer:  I’ve been married for a grand total of four years, so it’s not like I’ve got decades of experience here.  That said, this is what has worked in my relationship, and, I think, improved it.  Every relationship is very different, so please feel free to agree, disagree and add your own tips!

Know Thyself:

After I got married, I realized that I was less in touch with my emotions than I had previously thought.  I couldn’t really predict why or when something would upset me.  This was problematic on many levels, and a little embarrassing.

Over time, I’ve learned to tap into what’s really going on in there, to pinpoint why I feel what I feel.  Am I feeling overwhelmed by a kitchen full of dishes, or the pressure of an impending deadline?  I’ve noticed that when I am under stress for any reason, otherwise innocuous habits can become unallowable infractions.  By simply acknowledging that I’m feeling stressed, I become more aware that I’m in danger of blowing things out of proportion.  Just having that in mind has helped immeasurably with keeping my cool.

I’ve also learned to gauge when I need to ask for help, how to ask for it (see below), and how not to feel guilty about it.  Sometime there’s no one else around, so I ask Hashem for help.  This is so effective when I’m in the middle of a frustrating parenting situation and feeling exceptionally aggravated.

Communication:

After learning how to anticipate a stress blow-out, I realized that just because I’m aware that I’m teetering on the edge of my patience does not mean my husband is aware of it.  Not in the least.  It took a little while, but I eventually learned how to say, calmly, something along the lines of:

“Just to give you a heads up, I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now.”

He then knows to give me some space and let me regain my composure so I can be a mentsch.

When asking for help, the more specific I can be, the better.  “Can you start getting the kids ready for bed?” is not as effective as “Can you get the kids into pajamas?”  Also, I try to keep it to one request at a time, maybe two if it’s a natural pairing, i.e. “Would you clear the table and wipe it down?”

Also, it never hurts to communicate how much I appreciate him and love him.  That’s probably the best communication to do, right there.

Eliminate the Problem:

Sometimes it’s possible to sidestep the problem altogether.  When thinking about the toothpaste tube dilemma, it seems to me that one easy solution is to simply use two different tubes.

I used to hang my face washcloth next to the hand towel.  My husband had a habit of using the washcloth, rather than the towel, to dry his hands.  This bothered me.  I tried reminding him, but it didn’t really work.  So instead of being perpetually frustrated, I simply started storing my washcloth in a completely different location.  Problem solved.

Another solution we developed was the result of an amusing, yet problematic phenomenon.  My husband has an uncanny ability to consume food items I have earmarked for a recipe.  Uncanny, I tell you.  After this happened many, many times, I learned to tell him which foods were off-limits (and he learned to ask).  Problem solved.

Let it slide:

Finally, I’ve learned that sometimes it’s just better to ignore whatever is getting on my nerves.  If it’s something that I know is not going to matter in a year, then it’s okay to let it go.  I don’t need to open my mouth every time something bugs me.  It’s most likely better if I don’t.

Also, not bombarding my husband with my seemingly endless list of preferences helps make my genuine requests more noticeable, and probably more valuable.

I had my husband read over this post to make sure he was okay with the info I was sharing.  We had the following exchange regarding the washcloth incident:

Me:  “Do you remember that?”

Him: “Um … no, not really.”

Me:  “Exactly!”

I’m linking up to the January Project Marriage Challenge.  They have a challenge each month, and this month it’s sharing our marriage resolutions.  While these aren’t resolutions, per se, it certainly won’t hurt me to resolve to implement these strategies more often!

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A toddler’s perspective on the Twins from France

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English: Torker Unicycle taken by Andrew Dressel

The Twins from France were in town recently, and having seen an example of their talents on Youtube, I was really excited to see a live performance.  We decided that I would go with Little Man, and my husband would stay home with Littler Man.

We arrived earlyish and snagged good seats in the second row next to some friends.  It was clear that Little Man was feeling overwhelmed by the large amount of people and/or the largeness of the room.  He sat docilely on my lap, three fingers firmly placed in his mouth, eyes wide.  The chairs were arranged in a U shape, with about three rows per side.  The majority of the children were sitting on the floor, as instructed by the performers and emcee.

The show started, and it was an hour of genuinely impressive acts.  There was  juggling, physical acrobatics, sword-balancing, unicycles, creative bicycle riding, a horse costume, giant balls thrown into the audience, and crowd participation, both for children and adults.  The trick I found most astounding was this:

One twin rode around the room on a bicycle as the other twin climbed on the back, standing on the axle of the back wheels.  He then climbed onto the seat.  Then he placed one leg at a time over his brother’s shoulders until he was sitting on them.  Next, he climbed onto the handlebars.  This whole time he was holding onto three somewhat large juggling pins.  Finally, he juggled the pins while balancing on the handle bars of the bicycle his brother rode around the room.  My jaw was on the floor at this point.

About a half-hour into the show, Little Man had warmed up to the venue.  He was leaning forward to watch the show, smiling, and even clapping along with the crowd, which was adorable, let me tell you.  Little clapping hands are one of my absolute favorite things ever!

After the show, I was interested to see what made the biggest impression on him.  Would it be the giant balls thrown into the audience?  The horse suit act, where little boys in the audience were invited to ride around on the “horse?”  The juggling of colorful pins?  What would he take away from this experience?

When I asked him what he liked best, what he remembered seeing, he responded,

“Man fall down.  And he get up!  And he fall down.”

There you have it.  I’m sure the twins have put in years of practice, ingenuity and thought into their show.  They have a real talent for showmanship, plus agility and energy which is astounding.  And my son remembers only the slapstick.

Of course, the important part was that he enjoyed himself, which he did.  We drive past the venue on the way to school in the morning, and he excitedly reminds me that he saw “the show” there.  I’m definitely glad we went.  But it’s fascinating to me how there are so many facets of the performance, and I’m not sure how much was appreciated.

I think we’re kind of like that, sometimes.  We may not appreciate the immense amount of work that goes into organizing a community shiur, or starting and maintaining an organization.  We may not appreciate the work that a spouse puts into a lunch or dinner.  Really, I think it’s easy to under-appreciate the effort other people put into their  (and our) lives.  Maybe we can take the time this week to find someone to appreciate a little more.

Also, you can find the Twins from France’s new DVD here.  No reason for the plug except I think they’re awesome.

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image via Wikipedia

Kicking the Habit of Playing the Blame Game

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towels

Image by Rick Payette via Flickr

The other night, as I was getting ready for sleep, I walked into our room, where the bed was still unmade from the morning.  Then I saw it.  A damp bathtowl was resting exactly where I wanted to rest.  Said towel was cold from the moisture and had made the sheets slightly clammy.  It was a little unpleasant, and I decided to say something about it.  Nicely, of course.  I walked into the room where my husband was sitting, blissfully unaware of the towel incident.

“You know what’s awesome?  Leaving a wet towel on the bed, right where I want to sleep.”

He looked at me blankly.

Then it dawned on me.

The towel was from MY shower earlier that day.  I was the one who had left it on the bed.

Oops.

I have a bad habit of blaming my husband for various little things around the house.  There’s usually a basis to this (he does tend to forget to return the water pitcher to the fridge, after all), but here’s the problem – sometimes I’m wrong.  Sometimes I’m the culprit.

This was a tangible lesson on judging favorably, since it really could be me who did whatever moderately infuriating thing I’m accusing him of.

Thankfully, my husband takes these incidents in stride.  We both cracked up at the absurdity of my self-righteous accusation.  And I gave him a bracha, which is what you’re supposed to do when you accuse someone falsely, which we learn from the story of Chana and Shmuel HaNavi  (much thanks to Sarah and Gila for the source!).  I’m glad he can laugh about these things, but really, it’s not very nice of me.

Additionally, wouldn’t it be more effective if I thanked him when he put something away instead of lightly chastising him for not doing so?  I mean, it’s not like I’m exactly a paragon of neatness & putting-away-ness.  Hardly.  I’m not going to win any medals for my housekeeping abilities any time soon.  But it’s just SO EASY for me to nitpick on these little things.  Just like it’s SO EASY to have another piece of cake, or SO EASY to waste 45 minutes online, if it’s a habit to do so.

Habit is a powerful, if sometimes aggravating, force.  When we’ve created a habit, for good or for less good, it’s easier to stick to the habit than it is to deviate from it.  However, I think the towel accusation is a clear example of a place where it is worthwhile for me to deviate.  There are things that matter in a relationship, that should be addressed, and there are things that are better left unsaid.

So next time I find myself muttering under my breath about something which is out of place (or whatever’s bugging me), I will try to remember the following:

  1. It might not be his doing.
  2. Even if it is, is it worth saying something?
  3. Is saying something going to contribute positively to my relationship?
  4. Does it really matter if the water pitcher is left out on the counter?
  5. Is this a hypocritical nitpick?

Will I always succeed at catching myself before accusing him of something?  Probably not.  Will I keep trying to improve this aspect of our relationship?  I sure hope so.

What are your strategies for kicking a bad habit? 

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When Disconnecting means Reconnecting

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You may remember my mini-series on using social media in a positive way.  I had read a post by Ima 2 Seven where she discussed a thought-provoking article about a social media mommy making the decision to cut the internet out of her home.  The whole online discussion prompted me to think about my relationship with the internet.

One of the things I’ve implemented since doing those posts is a daily no-internet time zone.  Though I haven’t always succeeded in keeping to the schedule, the times when I have stuck to it, I noticed a marked upswing in my productivity, both mental and physical.  I found other ways to unwind, like reading a book, or watching my kids play (what a concept!).  I found myself less drawn to the computer, and it easier to walk away when I’m finished with whatever it is I’m doing.

When I shared my positive outcomes with Margalit Hoffman, who wrote the initial article on MavenMall, she introduced me to DaytoDisconnect.com.  This campaign, sponsored by Ohr Naava, asks people to register to disconnect for an hour or more on Sunday, October 2nd, Tzom Gedaliah.  That hour can be spent reconnecting with people in your life face-to-face, davening, listening to music, or whatever you feel moved to do.  The only stipulation is that it’s not online or through texting.

This idea appealed to me so much that I signed up for the whole day.

Obviously that isn’t practical for everyone (possibly even myself), but it seems like a very worthwhile goal for the fast day during the Aseres Yemei Teshuvah.  Just saying.

I will leave off with a video which I found very moving:

How I met my husband

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Today is the 10-year anniversary of 9/11.  I feel funny about posting something without making reference to this national milestone.  My husband and I met almost 6 years after the tragic events of that day, and by then, life had largely returned to what is the new normal.  For people more closely connected with the events of that day, carrying on with life has a much different meaning.  Those who lost loved ones will most likely always carry their pain with them even as they go through the routine motions of their days.  It is fitting to think of them on this day, and of all the lives which were lost.  

Despite the solemnity of the day, this post is about new beginnings, and is written in a light tone.  I hope it shows that despite the events which changed the landscape of our country, we are still able to laugh, to love and to find beauty in our lives. 

My friend Ruchi wrote this great post about meeting her husband, and I enjoyed it so much that it inspired me to share how I met MY husband.  He gave me the green light, and after seeing that a number of you wanted to read about it (thanks for the feedback!), here it is.

Preface: I dated via the shidduch system, which is basically like blind dating except it’s with the intent to marry (as opposed to just date).  Also, no touchy-touchy.  At all.  Hands off.  There is also a fairly thorough background check, as well as screening for genetic diseases (Cystic Fibrosis and Tay-Sachs are prevalent among Ashkenazi Jews).  in Yeshivish circles, the dating period is insanely short by secular standards, like, a couple months or less.  On these dates, we do a combination of small talk and discussions of our goals, outlooks, etc.  If we want to continue dating, we contact the shadchan, who acts as a go-between (way easier to deal with/dish out rejection through a third party, let me tell you). When the couple is comfortable enough to interact directly, the shadchan steps back, but is still used to consult if necessary.

And now for the good part:

It was June of 2007.  I was in St. Louis for the summer after spending an inspiring year studying at Neve Yerushalayim.  My Rabbi had recommended that I continue dating while in America.  I was highly skeptical about this, since St. Louis wasn’t exactly a hotspot of single Orthodox Jewish guys.  And, besides, I was positive my bashert was in Israel, where I was planning on living for the rest of my life.  But since my Rabbi said to try, I put forth a little effort.

I signed up for one Jewish dating site (not so effective, that), and I also met with one lady who suggested a very interesting sounding guy.  He was in med school, Russian background, went to a good yeshivah, lived in Memphis, was my age, and some other stuff I don’t remember anymore. When I looked into it, though, he was “busy” (frum slang for “dating someone else”).

Soon after that, a Rebbetzin I was close with suggested the same guy to me, and I told her he was busy.  It turns out that he was the younger brother of a family I knew, and they thought it might be a good shidduch.  It was a family I would be happy to marry into, but since this guy was busy, I put it out of my mind.  With these minimal steps, I felt I had fulfilled the requirement to make an effort.  My husband was in Israel, remember?

I occupied myself with working, saving money, spending time with friends and family, and pining for the Holy Land.

this is really where I wanted to be

Every so often, I would get a (wildly inappropriate) suggestion from the dating site.  I realized that if I actually got a decent suggestion, but started dating him too close to my return ticket’s date, it would be hard to make a good decision.  So,  I selected a date about a month before my departure, and after that day, I wouldn’t accept any new suggestions.

Fast forward to two days before my self-imposed deadline.  During the middle of the (extremely boring and monotonous) workday, I received a call on my cell phone.  It was the aforementioned Rebbetzin, who proceeded to tell me that the guy was in town and I was scheduled to go out with him.  That night.

My first thought was, “Whoa, that’s some crazy timing!”  My second thought was, “Oh my gosh, I have the biggest pimple in the world on my face right now.  Hashem, why?!”

I was, pretty much, a useless employee for the rest of the day.  Despite my best efforts to work, I was supremely distracted.  That evening, I got ready in a giddy daze.  Buzzing with expectation and potential, I put on my nicest outfit, straightened my hair, did my make-up, and tried, in vain, to cover that mountainous blemish.

Nervous doesn’t even remotely describe how I was feeling.  I sat on the couch in the living room and tried to concentrate on saying Tehillim until he picked me up.

After I answered the door, we smiled awkwardly at each other as we tried to discretely check each other out.  The date was nice, not uncomfortable at all.  Our conversation was good, flowed easily, and he laughed and commented in all the right places.  I thought he was sweet, well-mannered and attractive.  We both said yes to another date.

For our second date, I think we went to the Art Museum (wow, it’s only been four years and I already can’t remember which dates were when).  I really liked him, but I was afraid that he was too good for me.  He had excellent middos, was unfailingly polite, considerate, and I was feeling totally outclassed.  He was just so nice, and I was just so me.

Thankfully, he didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with me, and we both said yes to another date.  I drove to his city for a weekend dating extravaganza.  We went on at least four dates, including one Shabbos meal.  Over the course of the weekend, we shared anecdotes from our lives, peeking into our pasts, opening ourselves up a little more to each other.  Our conversations turned more serious as we discussed what we wanted out of life, what kind of education we wanted for our children, what role we would like family to play in our lives.  Our hopes and dreams, basically.

We both agree that it was during this trip that we realized we wanted to marry each other.  However, marriage is a really big deal (ahem, understatement), and thus we went on many, many more dates (as well as meeting our respective families) before he proposed to me.  I was definitely ready to say yes at that point.

He proposed to me simply, making a very touching and sweet speech before asking me the big question.  He gave me a necklace and I think I wore it every single day until we got married (and then still almost every single day after that for quite some time).

our fist official day as an engaged couple.

We were engaged in September, the night selichos started.  At our l’chaim (a small celebration immediately following our engagement) my future brother-in-law said, as a play on words, that this was the beginning of my husband’s saying slicha (sorry) to me.

Our wedding was on December 16th, 2007, and we’ve been falling in love with each other ever since.  Awwww.

After we were married, I discovered that our first date was a surprise for my husband as well.  He drove up to St. Louis unaware that he would be going out with me (he was coming to meet his newest niece, who was about a month old at the time).  Since he didn’t bring date clothes, he had to borrow a suit and hat from his brother, and was self-conscious that I would notice that it didn’t fit him quite right.  I didn’t notice at all, and he didn’t notice my monster pimple.  Love is blind after all!

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Using Social Media in a positive way, part three

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Okay, so we’ve talked about how to use the internet for good, and when to use the internet.  Now it’s time to think about what to share online.

What we share online can have a large impact on one’s life.  It’s well known that your online presence can be a factor in gaining employment, and more and more, that our online reputation links our personal and professional lives.  Bottom line?  It’s wise to be thoughtful about what to share online.

Here are the guidelines that I follow:

No Forbidden Speech

Jewish law is pretty clear on gossip, slander and the like.  It can cause all sorts of damage, emotionally, financially, socially.  It’s not okay.  Don’t do it.

All the laws related to using appropriate speech are applicable to online interactions.  Just ’cause it’s on a computer doesn’t mean it’s okay to spread lashon hara.  I suppose it can be easy to forget this, and to feel like since it’s not being said to anyone specific, it’s not really a problem.  It is a problem.

It may even be more serious (as if it weren’t serious enough), since some things posted online can reach an incredible amount of people, and so any gossip or slander can cause even more damage than if it’s being spread by one person to another.  Online, it’s being spread by one person to thousands (or more, depending on the source).

Be Positive

bunnies

what could be more positive than chocolate bunnies?

I feel like I’ve been mentioning this a lot recently, but it’s just so true.  What we do and say affects other people.  I’ve been quite upset after reading particularly negative posts or comments, sometimes for days. On the other hand, if I’m in a bit of a funk, a funny link or an uplifting post can turn my mood around.

So, I decided that I would like to try to be a positive presence online.

Before I post, I ask myself:  Am I sharing something which could potentially uplift people?  Bring some giggles, or at least a smile?  Perhaps provide a different perspective or (hopefully) useful advice?  Give support to a friend?

Thankfully, I’ve been getting positive feedback about the blog (thank you everyone who has sent me such lovely emails!!), so I feel like I’m accomplishing this goal to some degree.  B”H.

Avoid Oversharing

Everyone has different boundaries for how much they are comfortable sharing with the world.  My litmus test is if the thing I’m posting would be something I would share in a room full of people, including my Rebbetzin.  Is it the kind of thing that reflects well on me?  On the frum community?  Is it how I want to present myself to the world?  Is it something I would be happy to share with a role model?

This means that, generally, I try to avoid posting things when I’m upset.  I feel like if I’m even keeled while online, I won’t cross the line of what I feel comfortable sharing.  I don’t want to have Facebook status or blog post regret.

Also, when I post anything related to my husband, I run it by him first.  He likes that I have a blog, but I think he likes it more that I don’t air our private life through said blog without his consent.

Disagree respectfully

I enjoy reading other points of view and interacting with people who hold different opinions or worldviews than I do, as long as we are able to interact in a respectful and positive manner.  If you’re going to tell me that I’m a horrible mother because I don’t mother exactly like you do, I’m not interested in listening.  Sorry.

There are lots of different opinions out there about, well, everything.  Chances are, if you read enough articles or posts online, you will come across someone you don’t agree with.  I certainly have.  And there have been times when I have written heated responses.

Before I share these responses with the world, ideally, I try to stop and ask myself, “what am I accomplishing with this angry response?  Am I going to convince this person that they are wrong by yelling at them online?”  Probably not.

If it’s in a forum where I think my point of view could add to the dialogue, I wait until I am more composed before writing my thoughts in a neutral, non-attacking manner.  I have found that sometimes calmly defending my viewpoint helps me to understand it better myself.  Here is an excellent post on how to disagree respectfully online.

Those are my guidelines, what are yours?

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Image by lulubrooks via Flickr

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Using Social Media in a positive way, part two

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In my first post on this topic I talked about the many ways social media can be used for the good.  I’m going to qualify that now:  All the good done online isn’t worth your compromising your home life.  This may seem like a no-brainer, but I think for a lot of people it can be a real challenge.  And by a lot of people I mean me.

Frankly, this internet-usage thing snuck up on me.  I wasn’t so interested in being on the computer at home until I started staying home more.  Then, with the vast expanse of time laid out before me, and all that housework just waiting to be procrastinated, well, it was a natural move.

It would start by me looking up a recipe, or ways to get rid of fruit flies or something, and then I would think to myself,

“Well, as long as I’m here, I might as well check my email.”

And then it became,

“Well, as long as I’m here, I might as well check my email and my Facebook.”

And so on until it was,

“Well, now I’m here so I can check my email, Facebook, blog, Twitter, forums, networking sites, blaaaaaaah.”

And that would be a lot of the time, even when my kids were up and husband home.  Not at first, but gradually.  Now, I’m not saying that it’s wrong to be online when your kids are up and/or husband is home  (I know I’m old-fashioned and all, but still).  I’m saying that I realized that I was missing out on opportunities to connect with my loved ones because I was so busy connecting with the internet.

I mean, I’m not neglecting my kids or anything (no, really, I’m only neglecting my housework), but I do think that I could be enjoying them more.  Everyone tells me that they are going to be grown up before I know it, and I will be seriously annoyed if instead of watching their cute antics, I was checking my Facebook status.  As far as my husband is concerned, if I’m careful to not be on the phone when my husband comes home from work (yes, I actually do that), why isn’t the computer subject to the exact same rules?

Setting Boundaries

So, recently (like, the day before I read Margelit’s article on MavenMall.com), I instituted some parameters for my internet use.

My approach won’t work for everyone (I can just picture the WAHMs shaking their heads), but I think that everyone can find boundaries that work for them.  Try inserting “non-work related internet sites” whenever I say “internet,” and maybe my idea could be adaptable to your life.

When setting these boundaries, I tried to find the happy place between idealism and realism.  I wanted to succeed at this, not to feel guilty for failing.  So, I needed to find limits that would provide me with ample time to accomplish what I want/need to do online, but which would provide for plenty of time without the internet to distract me from what I feel I should be doing in my “real” life.

What I Do

My first boundary is that I’m not allowed to go on the computer for any reason until I’ve davened in the morning.  If davening is not currently on your agenda,  you could use sending the kids off to school, or a load of laundry being done, etc. as your boundary.  Basically, take something that you struggle with accomplishing in the morning and make the internet an incentive to get it done.  I’ve found it very effective.

Lately (as in, since last week), I’ve added an extra time constraint.  I am no longer using the internet between 2pm and 8pm.  At all.  Even if the kids are napping and my husband is at work.

My first instinct with this particular boundary was to make the no-internet time zone applicable only when the kids were awake, but my mom pointed out to me that I will get so much more done when the kids aren’t underfoot (ain’t that the truth), so I should take advantage of the time that they are sleeping to do things around the house, not to sit in front of the computer.  And she was absolutely right (as usual).

A final boundary is how late I can stay up.  I’m a night owl by nature, and I struggle with going to sleep at a decent time.  I like to write my posts at night, when I can actually (kind of) concentrate, and it can be tempting to stay up really late.  But, as you can imagine, I really feel it in the morning.  So, I try to go to bed at a reasonable hour, even if it means not finishing something.  I’m still working on this one, though.  It’s a little tricky.

Helpful Hints

A way to stay off the computer even when there’ s an idea or post that I “just have to share/jot down” is to keep a pad of paper handy (mine is on the fridge), and when an idea strikes I write it down there.  With a pen.  You know, with ink.  Then, when it’s time to go online again I haven’t forgotten.

a ball point blue ink pen.

remember these things?

If you’re not into having an internet-free time zone, you could always check Facebook (or your email, or twitter, or blog comments) only at certain intervals.  Let’s say every hour, or every two hours.  Chances are, whatever the notification is, it can wait for a couple hours.  If it’s extremely urgent, I would hope the person has your phone number to get in touch with you.

The Benefits

What I’ve noticed in the short time that I’ve implemented my internet boundaries is that I am far more productive.  It’s actually astounding.  The house is cleaner, the laundry folded in a prompt manner, toys picked up and rotated, and I’ve actually finished projects that have been sitting around for a while.  I’m more patient with my kids because I’m less distracted.  Really, I’m just much more present in whatever it is I’m doing, and that makes me happier.  And who doesn’t want to be happier?

Also, since the amount of time I can spend online is diminished, I tend to be more focused and productive when I am online, which is a good thing.

Those are some ways I’ve set boundaries for my internet use.  What are some boundaries you’ve set for yourself?

Stay tuned for part 3 in this series.  If you don’t want to forget to come back, you can always subscribe, find me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter.  :)

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image via Wikipedia

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Using social media in a positive way, part one

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Recently, Ima 2 Seven posted about an article she had read on MavenMall.com where a social media mommy was on the verge of cutting the internet out of her home.  As a response to the article, Chana Jenny at Jewishmom.com shared how she has developed healthy limits for internet use.

Reading these posts made me take a good, hard look at my priorities.  It didn’t exactly make me feel warm and fuzzy. It did happen to be a timely topic, though, as my husband and I were just discussing setting parameters on internet usage (more on that later).

I have definitely struggled with setting healthy limits for my internet use, but guess what?  I’ve also struggled with setting healthy boundaries for shmoozing on the phone, relaxing with a book, even for making yummy Shabbos food (just one more salad!).

Life is chock full of opportunities to set healthy boundaries.  This is simply one more area in which we should be honest with ourselves about how our actions are impacting our lives, and thus, the lives of our family.

While I know I can survive without internet access,  I think I am on the computer far too much.  With the support of my husband and Hashem’s help, I will be setting some (additional) boundaries.  We will not, however, be getting rid of the internet, and since I know I’m not the only one in this position, I thought it merited a blog post.

However, when I started writing this post, it became clear that I have a lot to say on the topic of social media, our relationship to it, and to each other.  Rather than bombarding you with all my ideas at once, I’m turning this into a three-part post.  Part one (this part), is how I use the internet for good; part two will be about when I use the internet; and part three will be about what I share on the internet.

When I refer to social media, I am talking about Facebook, Twitter, Blogs and Forums (and email, to some extent).

1.  Staying in touch with friends

I don’t mean staying in touch with the person-who-I-met-that-one-time-at-that-event-who-knew-my-cousin.  I mean my friends who live in other cities (and, sometimes, in the same city).  Oftentimes it’s far easier for me to send a quick message through social media than it is to pick up the phone.

Currently, my toddler is going through a phase where whenever I’m on the phone, he wants to talk.  It makes it very challenging to have any interaction over the phone (at least until the phase ends), so in general, I try to avoid using the phone when I can.  This means no calls purely for social purposes while he’s awake.  I’m sure many of you can relate to this.

On that note, I find that in some cases it’s more polite to communicate by social media than by phone.  When I’m on the phone during the day, I’m also mothering my children, as is my friend on her end.  You can imagine how well that works out.  With social media, I can walk away from a message without ignoring the recipient, and I can give attention to my toddler or baby without explaining to my friend that I didn’t hear whatever it was that she was just telling me.  Additionally, I don’t have to worry if I’m bothering someone when I send them a message.  They can read and reply at a time that is convenient for them.

Facebook has been a great way to stay in touch with my friends in Israel.  I don’t call over there so much, as the connection is not always conducive to conversation, and the time difference can be problematic.  With two small kids, I can’t always Skype (though that was a nice option while it lasted).  I have friends in Israel who I am only in touch with via email, and I am just not in touch with them as much, unfortunately (mainly my fault there).

Yes, it’s true that online communication is devoid of inflection, but if I misunderstand a friend’s inflection, I can always clarify.  We’re friends, after all, and I would hope that we would be understanding of the limitations of online conversations.

To those who feel that Facebook is destroying our ability to have “real” relationships, check out this study.

2.  Doing good deeds

Sometimes I am amazed at the sheer amount of good deeds done online.  Through Facebook, I have seen women saying sefer tehillim for 40 days, raise money for hachnoses kallah, share recipes for Shabbos, arrange postpartum meals, welcome a new neighbor and give help to friends in need, and that’s just scratching the surface.

There are Facebook groups dedicated to davening for an individual’s refuah, to helping people find a place for Shabbos, to arranging for the opportunity for someone to pray for you at the kotel.  Just recently, a new shidduchim group has opened.  There’s even a group for the Chofetz Chaim.

While some may take issue with the idea of being online on a day as sober as Tisha B’Av, the amount of shiurim shared between friends was truly inspiring.  There was even a Facebook group created to facilitate a more meaningful Tisha B’Av.  It contained links to many of the online Torah sites and their very applicable and excellent classes.  It really did help me stay focused on the meaning of the day.

Also, I think supporting other women who are feeling stressed or overwhelmed is an amazing benefit of social media, Facebook in particular.  For a new kallah who is struggling with cookbooks, her friends are there in minutes to encourage her and give her helpful tips.  For a new mother, sleep-deprived and unsure of herself, her friends are able to help her see that she’s not alone with her feelings.  For a woman going through a difficult time, her friends are there to bolster her and support her in the way that she needs.

For those of you uncomfortable with the idea of posting private things in such a public forum (more on that in part 3), it is possible to create a more private way of reaching out to people, through creating “notes” that are only visible for those to whom the notes are addressed.  It is possible to use social media in a modest and dignified way.

Blogs have provided many opportunities to help those in need.  After the tornado which decimated Joplin, MO, Mara at Kosher on a Budget provided an excellent opportunity to help (and she is also doing so today, with an opportunity to sponsor Bike4Friendship’s Benefit for Children with Special Needs).   Sheva at My Shtub did the same for Friendship Circle not that long ago.  You may recall when I asked for help for a friend who lost all her belongings in an apartment fire.  These are all excellent ways to use social media as a vehicle for increasing the good in the world.

3.  Intellectual stimulation

One reason I love blogging is because I get to think about my mundane day-to-day activities in a different, more creative way.  It also provides me an opportunity to use words like “myriad,” “conducive” and “nuanced” instead of  “no,” “careful,” and “oy,” which are much more common in my house.

Social media can be an excellent vehicle for sharing information and ideas.  Some of my favorite Twitter users are the ones who consistently post interesting links to other blogs, websites or videos.  These are not just “oh look how CUTE that kitten is!! LOL!” videos, but more thought-provoking ones, some of which have brought me to tears.

One friend shares (on Facebook) a list of the latest books she’s read, along with a summary of each one.  I’ve enjoyed some really interesting and informative books that way.

I’ve also enjoyed links to interesting, thought-provoking articles or blogs which have prodded me to think harder about topics that I otherwise would not have given a second thought to.  These links are posted on Facebook, Twitter, or on blog posts.  In fact, if I hadn’t read the blog post by Ima2Seven, this post may never have happened!  Ah, the power of social media.

What are some positive ways you’ve benefited from your social media outlets?

Stay tuned for parts 2 and 3 in this series.  If you don’t want to forget to come back, you can always subscribe, find me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter.  :) 

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Please Help a Friend in Need

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A girl I know from seminary recently lost everything she owns in an apartment fire.  Like, everything.  She came home to see fire trucks parked outside her building, and then the worst-case scenario (you know, the one we all think of when we see fire trucks near our house) came true.  Thank G-d, she is okay, and has a great group of friends who are there to help her, both physically and emotionally.  Her stuff, however, is not okay.

Just imagine what it’s like to not have anything that you just had the day before.  Pictures, posters, books, clothing, furniture, CDs, DVDs, mementos, all those memories.  Then imagine having to replace it all.

If you would like to help out, you can donate here (much thanks to Havah for setting this up so quickly!).  If you’re in the NJ area and would like to help out by donating furniture or whatever, contact me.

Tizku L’mitzvos!

Technological Detox

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Image via Wikipedia

warning: do not click that link!

As you noticed (I hope), I’ve been off the grid, so to speak, for over a week.  While I wish I could say it was because we went on an amazing trip to a beautiful location, with a spa and maybe mountains, the truth is more mundane.  Our computer was infected with a really, reaaaallllly gnarly virus, and had to be wiped clean.  Tabula rasa.  Thank G-d, we had our files backed up, otherwise I would probably still be crying.  No, really.  All our family pictures are on there, as I (still) haven’t gotten around to printing them off and putting them in a proper album, and I would’ve been heartbroken.

The computer is still a little wonky.  It’s been set back to when I got it (kind of seems like time-travel, which is actually pretty cool), in 2006.  So everything needs updating.  Ev-er-y-thing.  The other day, when we were powering down, there were 71 updates.  Seventy-one. What?  Yeah.

This situation came about because I clicked on a link on Facebook that was (surprise) a virus.  After I clicked it and the promised entertaining article/video (I don’t even remember what inane thing it is was at this point) did not appear, I realized that I’d probably been had.  It wasn’t until a little later when our computer starting acting, um, abnormally, that I realized the magnitude of my mistake.

I see that I’m not the only one to suffer from such things, as a Google search of “Facebook virus” reveals.  It’s still somewhat embarrassing, though, and more than a little frustrating since I need to reinstall everything, from the printer/scanner to my music-writing software.  Seriously, it’s a pain, and with my penchant for procrastination, who knows when this will all be accomplished.  Ugh.

While our computer was in the shop it gave me ample time to think.  It was like a technological detox.  I couldn’t update, tweet, email or post.  I went to the library and checked out some books, and curled up on the couch and read.  It was lovely.  I ate all my meals at the table, rather than in front of the computer (I know, I know, food and computers is a bad combo).  I didn’t feel that little tug to “see what was going on out there,” or check my email account (again) to see if I’d received any mail worth opening.

It was really good for me.

The whole experience taught me a valuable lesson about impulse control and good sense.  Just because something seems interesting or intriguing does not mean that I need to read/look at it.  It’s a good idea to practice a certain level of discretion.  Somewhat surprisingly, I realized that having my internet outlets really does help me center myself.   As much as I love a good book, it’s a solitary activity, requiring a certain level of withdrawal (also, I usually stay up ’til 2 a.m. to find out what happens).  Interacting with the online world keeps me connected and provides a unique kind of mental stimulation.

So, even though I can live happily without access to the internet (gasp!), the interactions with friends through my email, blog and Social Media accounts do mean a lot to me.  I missed all of you!  Here’s to moderation, friends and re-connecting.  I’m looking forward to it.