Category Archives: Self-Improvement

The unexpected perks of not having reading material

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For the second week in a row, I have found myself without any new reading material for Shabbos.  Since those wintry Friday nights are so long, it’s a great pleasure of mine to curl up with a blanket and a book (and maybe some cookies).  Lately, though, I’ve been stymied by my own lack of planning.  The books I currently own are not enticing to me at the moment, and so I’ve felt a bit of anxiety, dread and impending boredom as I think about all the time I could be spending reading that I will be, well, not reading.

A curious thing has happened during these bookless weeks.  Two curious things, really.  The first one is that without the pressure of my overwhelming desire to read something stimulating or entertaining, I actually got down on the floor and played with my kids.  That kind of active involvement has long been a struggle for me, and having a book to read has only perpetuated the challenge.

So yesterday, since I wasn’t engrossed in a book, I made a spectacular lego house with Little Man AND helped the baby stack some blocks (fine motor skills, here we come!).  I arranged a playdate for Little Man with a neighbor boy.  We looked at and discussed pictures from a big book of Monet’s artwork.  I held the baby while he drank his bottle.  We all got dressed before 9:30 a.m. (this is a major achievement for me on Shabbos).  I also spent a good amount of time with at least one child on my lap.  It was really, really satisfying.

The other pleasant surprise I experienced was finding out that I have great reading material in my house after all.  Remember the parsha?  Yeah, the one that happens every week?  A long, long time ago (like, six years or so), a rebbetzin suggested that I read the parsha every week.  That it would be good for me to stay connected with the what was going on in the Torah, especially after I had kids and wasn’t going to shul much (like right now).  I took that to heart, I really did.

Six years later, I barely open the Chumash.  In fact, when I have other reading material (even frum magazines or what have you), I barely even think about the Chumash.

However, since I do have a compulsion to read something while eating, I ended up reading the parsha AND reading some of Rashi’s commentary, too (love that Sapirstein edition!).  It was also really, really satisfying.

Am I going to be able to keep these two wonderful things going once I do remember to get some reading material?  I sure hope so.  I think it’s a great example of how a situation which could have really put me into a bad mood ended up with a fabulous outcome.

Have you experienced a situation that seemed dreadful and turned out to be good? 

The ebb and flow of life

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The tide at Block Island, RI

tide in, tide out

I don’t always notice the cycles that come around in life.  Okay, I notice the weekly cycles of cleaning up from Shabbos, figuring out what to eat for the week, shopping, cleaning, preparing for Shabbos and, of course, Shabbos!  I also notice the daily cycles of getting Little Man ready for school, putting the baby (toddler #2?  I’m still undecided about what he should be called at this point) down for his nap, giving him his bottle and snack when he awakens, picking up Little Man from school, lunchtime, rest time, etc.

If I didn’t notice those cycles, it would be problematic.  These are not the cycles in question.

The cycles I don’t notice are the larger ones, the ones related to goals I’ve set for myself, large-scale projects, anything that easily fades into the background until it pops right up in my face again (usually shortly before a deadline, for instance).

As you might have noticed, I’m in a less prolific stage of my blogging cycle.  As with most things, it was a gradual progression to less frequent posting.  The combination of a very active day with the boys as well as a few musical projects, compounded by a lack of energy (did I mention the active day with the boys?) and a strong desire to relax via zoning out has repeatedly won out over blogging.  This resulted in me sitting in front of my screen just now, staring at the white space and feeling decidedly uninspired and uninteresting.

But that’s life.  Things that are exciting at one point become monotonous at a later point.  It’s not always possible, or even advisable to stop doing things when they cease to be enjoyable (like making dinner, for instance.  Can’t stop doing that).

Most likely, the things with which I struggle are probably exactly the things that I need to work on in my ever-evolving quest to improve myself.  But it’s interesting how I only seem to notice my progress at either a peak or a valley.  I feel great when I’m consistently writing little notes for my husband, and lousy when I’ve realized that it’s been weeks since I’ve done so.   These feelings could apply to anything from something as simple as doing the dishes in a prompt manner to something as complex as maintaining my composure in challenging situations.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s ineffective, and perhaps even detrimental, to feel lousy whenever I’m at an ebb in a cycle.  If it’s something that I’m working on, be it sensitivity to others or basic housekeeping skills, I’m going to have moments where things are hunky-dory, and moments where things are falling a bit apart.  I think this is likely a universal experience (please, validate me here, folks).

Certain times, like when a child has a mammoth cold and is waking up multiple times a night, will naturally require slack in other areas of life.  Life gets hectic sometimes, and other times is amazingly uncluttered.  That’s just how it is.  It must be the perfectionistic tendency I have to want everything to be level, all the time, no matter what.  But that’s just silly.  When are things EVER level?

Therefore, I am going to try and embrace the times when I totally fail as much as the times when I feel like a success.  The times when it feels like I haven’t got a chance of keeping it together are just a sign that I’m on my way back up to being geshicht again.  And then things will be smooth for a while, until they get messy.  That’s life.  And life is really, really good.

(the irony of this last paragraph is that I will most likely feel lousy about failing to embrace failure at some point.  hahaha)

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image via Wikipedia

 

Kicking the Habit of Playing the Blame Game

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towels

Image by Rick Payette via Flickr

The other night, as I was getting ready for sleep, I walked into our room, where the bed was still unmade from the morning.  Then I saw it.  A damp bathtowl was resting exactly where I wanted to rest.  Said towel was cold from the moisture and had made the sheets slightly clammy.  It was a little unpleasant, and I decided to say something about it.  Nicely, of course.  I walked into the room where my husband was sitting, blissfully unaware of the towel incident.

“You know what’s awesome?  Leaving a wet towel on the bed, right where I want to sleep.”

He looked at me blankly.

Then it dawned on me.

The towel was from MY shower earlier that day.  I was the one who had left it on the bed.

Oops.

I have a bad habit of blaming my husband for various little things around the house.  There’s usually a basis to this (he does tend to forget to return the water pitcher to the fridge, after all), but here’s the problem – sometimes I’m wrong.  Sometimes I’m the culprit.

This was a tangible lesson on judging favorably, since it really could be me who did whatever moderately infuriating thing I’m accusing him of.

Thankfully, my husband takes these incidents in stride.  We both cracked up at the absurdity of my self-righteous accusation.  And I gave him a bracha, which is what you’re supposed to do when you accuse someone falsely, which we learn from the story of Chana and Shmuel HaNavi  (much thanks to Sarah and Gila for the source!).  I’m glad he can laugh about these things, but really, it’s not very nice of me.

Additionally, wouldn’t it be more effective if I thanked him when he put something away instead of lightly chastising him for not doing so?  I mean, it’s not like I’m exactly a paragon of neatness & putting-away-ness.  Hardly.  I’m not going to win any medals for my housekeeping abilities any time soon.  But it’s just SO EASY for me to nitpick on these little things.  Just like it’s SO EASY to have another piece of cake, or SO EASY to waste 45 minutes online, if it’s a habit to do so.

Habit is a powerful, if sometimes aggravating, force.  When we’ve created a habit, for good or for less good, it’s easier to stick to the habit than it is to deviate from it.  However, I think the towel accusation is a clear example of a place where it is worthwhile for me to deviate.  There are things that matter in a relationship, that should be addressed, and there are things that are better left unsaid.

So next time I find myself muttering under my breath about something which is out of place (or whatever’s bugging me), I will try to remember the following:

  1. It might not be his doing.
  2. Even if it is, is it worth saying something?
  3. Is saying something going to contribute positively to my relationship?
  4. Does it really matter if the water pitcher is left out on the counter?
  5. Is this a hypocritical nitpick?

Will I always succeed at catching myself before accusing him of something?  Probably not.  Will I keep trying to improve this aspect of our relationship?  I sure hope so.

What are your strategies for kicking a bad habit? 

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Acting Nobly in the Face of Disaster

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image from msnbc.com

You may or may not be aware that wildfires have been ravaging Texas.  Over 700 homes have been destroyed since last Sunday, and there have been 2 causalities to date.   It is the worst fire season in state history, and though the firefighters are doing a valiant job, the fires are still burning, and weather conditions are perpetuating the blaze.

One girl, whose family lost their home, had an extraordinary reaction to her loss.  She created a Facebook page to help all the victims of the fire.  She’s calling it “The Gift Card Project,” and this is her goal:

This page is an attempt to help while being so far away. If you can afford to purchase a Gift Card for a family in Texas that has lost everything please message this page and an address will be given to you with a requested store for the gift card.My family lost everything and it’s a painful reality that so many are going through right now in Texas. This is an effort to help while I am in NY.

This is truly an amazing reaction to a devastating loss.  She has acted nobly and charitably at a time when it would be completely reasonable to be overwhelmed and immobile.  Instead, she has created a vehicle to help all those who are suffering.  Amazing.

If you’re not on Facebook and would like to help out, contact me and I will forward your email address to her.  Tizku l’mitzvos, and may we all have relief from tragedy very, very soon.

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Getting some Mommy Me-time

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I never used to be a homebody.  The minute I walked through the door I was itching to get out!  A coffee shop, a concert, a jam session, whatever.  I loved to be around people, action, excitement.  You could say I thrived on it.

Now, by the end of the day, I’m hearing the call of the couch much, much louder than the call of any potential activity (can’t you hear it?  Rivki….Rivkiiiiii).  And that’s on a normal day.  Yesterday was not normal.

My baby is teething, but super-efficiently.  He’s getting four at once.  He is a ball of miserable, poor thing!  This means, of course, that I am holding him.  All day.  And using Motrin, Tylenol and Baby Orajel.   And lots of cuddling.  Now, my toddler is a smart kid (in my unbiased opinion).  He sees that when the baby cries, the baby gets lots and lots of attention.  So, of course, he mimics what he sees as a successful formula.

This means that I have two crying, kvetching and clingy kids.  That’s okay.  I’ve made my peace with not getting the cleaning, cooking, or anything like that done.  I’ve been drinking tepid coffee for two-and-a-half years now, and while I still prefer hot coffee, I’m not expecting it any time soon.

But, boy, is it draining!  This is why, despite my fatigue and waning desire to socialize, I went out last night.  It was clear to me that I needed some time just to be me.  Away from the laundry, the dishes, the toys that need picking up.

“Mommy – it opened by itself!”

When I take the time to do something for myself, I’m recharging my batteries.  I know that for most moms, it’s not a simple feat to schedule some time for themselves into their crowded schedule.  I usually forget to do it until I feel like I’m going to pull my hair out.  My goal is to be able to take some me-time before it’s so obviously needed.  Even though it’s hard to do, it’s pretty crucial.

Dr. Nadine Kaslow of Emory University explains why me-time is so important:

“First of all it’s really hard to take care of other people if you are not taking care of yourself. If you think about a car metaphor, if there’s not enough fuel in the car, the car won’t go,” she said. “A second reason is when people aren’t taking care of themselves, they tend to get resentful of the other people they are taking care of in their lives, so they may become short or irritable with them. A third reason is that life is more meaningful and gratifying if we take care of ourselves; we tend not to feel depressed,” she added. “We feel less anxious, and moms who are not depressed and less anxious are more able to be effective mothers.”

(from CNN.com – HEALTH)

Me-time doesn’t have to mean going out to a social event.  It doesn’t even have to involve spending any money (thank goodness!).  It could be as simple as reading a book, or taking a bubble bath, or reading my blog (what?  How’d that get there…).  I used to like to leave my kids at the sitter and go to the Art Museum.  It cost a little bit for the childcare, but it was well worth it.

How do you spend your me-time?

Reflections on Packing

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this is our old apartment, sorry to disappoint

Well, we’re here.  Knee-deep in boxes, packing paper and disorganization.  With the little ones underfoot (or, more recently, clinging to the back of both my legs), packing is going along at a glacial speed.  We will get there eventually.

While I was packing up the apartment, I jotted down some sentiments that came to mind.  It was a tad emotional to box everything up, and thankfully, I had the time to go through and sort through things before I packed up.  This was ideal, since the concept of packing things that I’m going to throw any anyways was a little annoying.

The resultant feeling was a little like Pesach cleaning – a thorough clean-up.  As I was weeding, I found things I thought I would use but didn’t, like the Agudah Tehillim calendar from 2008-9, and the zillion wedding invitations I kept (to my own wedding, that is).

  • Things I liked:  looking through my wedding guest book, finding the note of kavannos I had under the chuppah!
  • Things I tossed:  thank you cards from friends and acquaintances (sorry), congratulatiory cards from my engagement/wedding/birth of my first child.  Early labor list, nursing and diaper chart from my firstborn (What?  who keeps that?).  Family pictures from when my oldest was a baby that I never sent out ’cause I wasn’t organized enough.  Chaval.
  • Things I kept:  cards from my husband.  :) half-used notebooks (that I was really tempted to throw out in a fit of purging)

I’m glad I actually took the time to shed the excess paper items and whatnot.  I’m also glad that I took the time to be fairly organized about what I packed.  Time will tell if it was helpful with my unpacking or not.  It was definitely helpful in my packing, because as I was boxing it all up, I had the feeling of organizing my life, and of control and calmness.  That was cool.

Guest Post: Necessity is the Mother

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Much thanks to today’s guest poster, Joan Oliver Emmer, who blogs about her life as a Trophy Wife at Body of Work.

I was pleased to figure out a way to avoid the trauma of stepping on the scale at the doctor’s office the other day.  While I’m not TERRIBLY unhappy with my weight, it’s not at the level I had planned at this point in the season or in life (in fact, it’s a whole lot MORE than I had planned). So, instead of watching the nurse/technician move that little metal thingy over a notch to the right…and another…oh, two more? Hey – have they run out of notches?  -  this is what I did:

  • I closed my eyes and told the tech to keep her trap shut (in the nicest way possible, of course).

She busied herself jotting down a number…wait, that took a while!  Did she add a fourth number, like, in the thousands place?

Bottom line was, she didn’t faint, I was none the wiser – life is good!

Sometimes you just have to figure it out.  Here are other things I’ve “figured out” recently.

  • If you sit on your glasses and bend them out of shape and subsequently walk with your head cocked at a 45 degree angle, you can avoid a visit to the optometrist.

  • Oiling a hamster wheel with WD-40 will silence both the wheel – and the hamster – much quicker and more permanently than using regular cooking oil.
  • You can live a whole two years with an oven door that does not close – all you need to do is prop one of your kitchen table chairs against the recalcitrant (I believe it’s a mitzvah to sneak the word “recalcitrant” into a post every year) oven door .  That way you have an excuse for not inviting your mother-in-law over for dinner, citing “lack of  sufficient chairs.” She doesn’t want to sit on the floor, does she?

How do YOU “make do” in a pinch?

You say it’s your birthday – it’s my birthday too, yeah

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Happy Birthday Shaftora

Image via Wikipedia

It’s my birthday today (yes, that is me shamelessly fishing for birthday wishes).  Last year was my 30th, and I was far too busy to obsess over the milestone-status that is often associated with that particular birthday.

I’m also quite busy this year (moving day is in less than two weeks!), but I did have time to realize that I am now “in my 30s.”  Personally, I don’t mind much.  It doesn’t make me nervous, or induce a thorough check for grey hairs or wrinkles.  I’m not pretending to still be 29.

No.

It’s just a little odd, I suppose.  When exactly did I become this much of an adult?  Does anyone else still feel like an eighteen-year-old?

Okay, I don’t exactly “still feel like an eighteen-year-old” (thank goodness), but I don’t feel 31, either.  Anyways, what does 31 feel like?  How do you “feel” an age? Who came up with that concept?

My mother, may she live and be well, is very “young at heart,” and it’s a pleasure (yes, I’m biased.  She is my mom, after all).  Some people are firmly ensconced in middle age but are still excessively immature.  Then there are those who are “wise beyond their years.”

When did birthdays become such a thing anyways?  In Jewish tradition, we remember a person by the day of their death, not birth.  There’s something about it representing all the good (hopefully) done within a person’s lifetime (Rebbetzins, help me out here).

Well, regardless, I tend to get a little contemplative every June 15th.  So, since birthdays inspire in me a little introspection, I’d say that I’m happy with where I am.  I’ve come a long way, but I still have what to work on.  I think that’s a good spot.

The first birthday present I’m giving myself?  I’m going to sleep.  It’s late (the baby was hungry).

Rebooting the Modem of my Mind

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Image via Wikipedia

Is it the modem gnomes who are interfering with my signal?

As I was getting ready to write this post, my internet stalled.  Since I’m somewhat tech-clueless, I don’t really understand why these things happen.  Maybe it’s too windy outside, maybe there’s “too much traffic,” maybe there’s a sadistic employee at Time Warner who enjoys disconnecting people’s internet at 11:30 at night.  Who knows?  Not me.

When this happens (which it does on a somewhat annoyingly regular basis), I simply unplug everything from the modem, walk away for a little while, then come back, plug everything back in, wait a little longer to see if it worked, and then, hopefully, pop back on the internet.

As I was going through this routine tonight, it occurred to me that there could be some practical life applications here.  How so?  Ah, well, I will tell you!

Switching off the autopilot

It seems that our culture is going through some kind of instant gratification phase. I’ve noticed that if a page is taking more than ten seconds to load, I get all antsy.  I feel like this mentality leaks over into my interpersonal relationships at times.  Like, when I want to talk on the phone, I want to talk RIGHT NOW, and if I have to leave a message, well, gosh, that’s just unbearable.  It seriously takes some willpower for me to not just call someone else right after I hang up.

My automatic response is to just keep calling until I reach someone, thus achieving my desire to chit-chat.  Seriously?  Yes.

That’s a moment when it pays to reboot my mind modem.  I stop and think to myself about what some possible scenarios are.   Maybe my friend isn’t able to get to the phone just then, like there’s a diaper change in progress, etc.  If I called someone else, and then the person I originally called beeps in?  Awkward.   So it pays to wait a little longer before dialing another number.

Be productive with the down time

When the modem mayhem first started, I would unhook the plugs and them immediately plug them back in, with mixed results.  My husband then informed me that it was most effective if the modem was unplugged for a few minutes.  So then I would unplug everything and stare at the modem, wondering if a few minutes had elapsed yet (they hadn’t).  A few minutes can feel like an incredibly long time.

This led me to start doing little things around the house while waiting for the appropriate amount of time to pass.  Tonight I washed the handful of milchig dishes which were waiting patiently by the sink.  Would I have gotten to them sooner or later?  Probably, but I figured that I might as well do them while I’m waiting.  I’ve found that it’s far less frustrating to wait a few minutes if I’m doing something productive, and, major bonus, things get done!

In conclusion

So, basically, I think it usually pays to stop and think before just acting on autopilot, and that having to wait for things can help check little things off the to-do list.  I know these aren’t earth-shattering revelations, but it’s  nice to keep in mind.  Haha, in mind…

Keeping the mitzvos in mind

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When I was a seminary (and immediately post-seminary) girl, I spent a lot of time preparing for the different holidays that arise during the Jewish year.  I would attend classes, read books, refresh myself on the laws of the specific holiday, and, in general, imbue my experience with as much meaning as I could.  I remember thinking that it would ALWAYS be like that and I would NEVER do the mitzvos without massive amounts of concentration and intention.

Hahahaahahhahahaaaahahaha.  Aahhhhhhh.  Whew.

This morning we burnt whatever chametz that was leftover before the start of Pesach.  I said the phrase which nullifies my possession of chometz.  But I said it kind of as an afterthought, and, frankly, I didn’t even remember that we said it until I was saying it.  This seems to have become a sort of entropic trend in my life as of late – do the mitzvah first, think about it later.

So, here’s my question:  How does one stay focused on the mitzvos when the mundanities of life loom large?  What are your strategies for keeping the mitzvos in mind?