Tag Archives: Dating

How I met my husband

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Today is the 10-year anniversary of 9/11.  I feel funny about posting something without making reference to this national milestone.  My husband and I met almost 6 years after the tragic events of that day, and by then, life had largely returned to what is the new normal.  For people more closely connected with the events of that day, carrying on with life has a much different meaning.  Those who lost loved ones will most likely always carry their pain with them even as they go through the routine motions of their days.  It is fitting to think of them on this day, and of all the lives which were lost.  

Despite the solemnity of the day, this post is about new beginnings, and is written in a light tone.  I hope it shows that despite the events which changed the landscape of our country, we are still able to laugh, to love and to find beauty in our lives. 

My friend Ruchi wrote this great post about meeting her husband, and I enjoyed it so much that it inspired me to share how I met MY husband.  He gave me the green light, and after seeing that a number of you wanted to read about it (thanks for the feedback!), here it is.

Preface: I dated via the shidduch system, which is basically like blind dating except it’s with the intent to marry (as opposed to just date).  Also, no touchy-touchy.  At all.  Hands off.  There is also a fairly thorough background check, as well as screening for genetic diseases (Cystic Fibrosis and Tay-Sachs are prevalent among Ashkenazi Jews).  in Yeshivish circles, the dating period is insanely short by secular standards, like, a couple months or less.  On these dates, we do a combination of small talk and discussions of our goals, outlooks, etc.  If we want to continue dating, we contact the shadchan, who acts as a go-between (way easier to deal with/dish out rejection through a third party, let me tell you). When the couple is comfortable enough to interact directly, the shadchan steps back, but is still used to consult if necessary.

And now for the good part:

It was June of 2007.  I was in St. Louis for the summer after spending an inspiring year studying at Neve Yerushalayim.  My Rabbi had recommended that I continue dating while in America.  I was highly skeptical about this, since St. Louis wasn’t exactly a hotspot of single Orthodox Jewish guys.  And, besides, I was positive my bashert was in Israel, where I was planning on living for the rest of my life.  But since my Rabbi said to try, I put forth a little effort.

I signed up for one Jewish dating site (not so effective, that), and I also met with one lady who suggested a very interesting sounding guy.  He was in med school, Russian background, went to a good yeshivah, lived in Memphis, was my age, and some other stuff I don’t remember anymore. When I looked into it, though, he was “busy” (frum slang for “dating someone else”).

Soon after that, a Rebbetzin I was close with suggested the same guy to me, and I told her he was busy.  It turns out that he was the younger brother of a family I knew, and they thought it might be a good shidduch.  It was a family I would be happy to marry into, but since this guy was busy, I put it out of my mind.  With these minimal steps, I felt I had fulfilled the requirement to make an effort.  My husband was in Israel, remember?

I occupied myself with working, saving money, spending time with friends and family, and pining for the Holy Land.

this is really where I wanted to be

Every so often, I would get a (wildly inappropriate) suggestion from the dating site.  I realized that if I actually got a decent suggestion, but started dating him too close to my return ticket’s date, it would be hard to make a good decision.  So,  I selected a date about a month before my departure, and after that day, I wouldn’t accept any new suggestions.

Fast forward to two days before my self-imposed deadline.  During the middle of the (extremely boring and monotonous) workday, I received a call on my cell phone.  It was the aforementioned Rebbetzin, who proceeded to tell me that the guy was in town and I was scheduled to go out with him.  That night.

My first thought was, “Whoa, that’s some crazy timing!”  My second thought was, “Oh my gosh, I have the biggest pimple in the world on my face right now.  Hashem, why?!”

I was, pretty much, a useless employee for the rest of the day.  Despite my best efforts to work, I was supremely distracted.  That evening, I got ready in a giddy daze.  Buzzing with expectation and potential, I put on my nicest outfit, straightened my hair, did my make-up, and tried, in vain, to cover that mountainous blemish.

Nervous doesn’t even remotely describe how I was feeling.  I sat on the couch in the living room and tried to concentrate on saying Tehillim until he picked me up.

After I answered the door, we smiled awkwardly at each other as we tried to discretely check each other out.  The date was nice, not uncomfortable at all.  Our conversation was good, flowed easily, and he laughed and commented in all the right places.  I thought he was sweet, well-mannered and attractive.  We both said yes to another date.

For our second date, I think we went to the Art Museum (wow, it’s only been four years and I already can’t remember which dates were when).  I really liked him, but I was afraid that he was too good for me.  He had excellent middos, was unfailingly polite, considerate, and I was feeling totally outclassed.  He was just so nice, and I was just so me.

Thankfully, he didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with me, and we both said yes to another date.  I drove to his city for a weekend dating extravaganza.  We went on at least four dates, including one Shabbos meal.  Over the course of the weekend, we shared anecdotes from our lives, peeking into our pasts, opening ourselves up a little more to each other.  Our conversations turned more serious as we discussed what we wanted out of life, what kind of education we wanted for our children, what role we would like family to play in our lives.  Our hopes and dreams, basically.

We both agree that it was during this trip that we realized we wanted to marry each other.  However, marriage is a really big deal (ahem, understatement), and thus we went on many, many more dates (as well as meeting our respective families) before he proposed to me.  I was definitely ready to say yes at that point.

He proposed to me simply, making a very touching and sweet speech before asking me the big question.  He gave me a necklace and I think I wore it every single day until we got married (and then still almost every single day after that for quite some time).

our fist official day as an engaged couple.

We were engaged in September, the night selichos started.  At our l’chaim (a small celebration immediately following our engagement) my future brother-in-law said, as a play on words, that this was the beginning of my husband’s saying slicha (sorry) to me.

Our wedding was on December 16th, 2007, and we’ve been falling in love with each other ever since.  Awwww.

After we were married, I discovered that our first date was a surprise for my husband as well.  He drove up to St. Louis unaware that he would be going out with me (he was coming to meet his newest niece, who was about a month old at the time).  Since he didn’t bring date clothes, he had to borrow a suit and hat from his brother, and was self-conscious that I would notice that it didn’t fit him quite right.  I didn’t notice at all, and he didn’t notice my monster pimple.  Love is blind after all!

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Marriage isn’t Perfect

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Marriage

Image by jcoterhals via Flickr

Tammy Jutan, born and bred in Johannesburg, South Africa, aged 26, is wife to Doron and mother to Daniel Yaakov (and one in the oven).  She can occasionally be found blogging at http://apinchofgratitude.blogspot.com/

Before I was married, I believed that marriage was perfect.

Seriously.

I thought that if you met someone with common goals, who wanted to make it work as much as you did, then it would. I recall sitting in a shiur by Rabbi Smith at Neve. He was speaking generally about how inherently different men and women are, and how in marriage you basically spend your whole life trying to reconcile those differences.

I was like “Why? Marriage is great,” and was looking really confused (and naïve) about why the Rabbi was being so negative about marriage. He was not being negative, but in fact realistic. He looked at me, and responded incredulously:

“Tammy, do you actually think marriage is easy?”

Now, this was coming from a Rabbi that I really admired, and I have to say that it burst my bubble. But it was a much needed reality check, and that moment has since stuck with me.

A year or so later, I married my now-husband, Doron, who, for the record, barely matched any of the criteria on my ‘list’. To explain further, in the frum world, once you start exploring your dating options, you are encouraged to compile a list of certain criteria that you would like your prospective match to meet. Needless to say, Hashem clearly had other plans for me, further than what was on my ever-changing list.

You see, Doron and I on paper were an unlikely match, but thankfully the shadchan took a chance, went with his gut feeling and set up a date between the two of us. The rest is history.

More than two years of marriage has given me much wisdom. My life is not just about ME anymore, but rather about US. I am now a part of something bigger than myself. I am part of a marriage, the most sacred, age-old institution. Our marriage means the world to me, and many a time it involves sacrificing what I want, and doing what he wants. And that’s ok.

In secular thinking, marriage involves two people- husband and wife, whereas in Judaism, marriage is seen as a partnership between husband, wife, and G-d. And so when it comes time to make a decision, I have to consider the other ‘parties’ in the relationship.

This of course is easier said than done, as when emotions come into play, it is difficult to stay focused. But it is rewarding and so important to carefully consider one’s decisions, and how these decisions will affect the bigger picture.

I have learnt that one can read all the books  and listen to all the advice in the world about working on ones marriage, and understanding the difference between men and women, but it’s not the same as living it.  In truth, while much of the knowledge that can be obtained through various sources can be invaluable, essentially you need two people who are dedicated to the marriage. It is about team work,  listening to each others’ needs, and compromise.

In theory this is all marvelous, and one thinks ‘so what’s the big deal? Doesn’t everyone want marriage to work? Yet in practice, it is a different reality.

We all suffer from a condition called ‘being human’ (that taboo illness that no-one really likes to talk about). We all want to be the best people we can be. We all want to have outstanding middos. And we all want to be perfect wives.

In the perfect setting, your husband walks in to the *clean* house from a long day. The table is set, dinner smells amazing, and the baby is clean and happy and gurgly. And then you wake up from this fantastic dream. The house is a mess, you’re tired, the baby is grouchy, and you’re trying to get dinner ready and keep the baby from tearing apart the kitchen, and then its time to bath to baby, but you need to mix the dinner that’s cooking on the stove, but you cannot leave the baby unattended in the bath…. You get the picture right?

Thankfully my husband knows and understands that I suffer from this ‘human’ condition (I think he does too. I’m pretty sure of it). I thank G-d for him, with all his quirks that make him who he is. He drives me mad most days, as do I drive him mad, but at the end of the day, we know that we are a team, a very unique team that are ready to conquer the world. One day at a time.

Marriage is not perfect, but it is not designed to be as such. Marriage, with the right approach, is about nurturing a union of two souls that have become one. It is about seeing the bigger picture, and knowing that you are a part of something awesome. Shine your light, and be the best spouse that you can be.

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What’s Your Take Results: How often do you “date” your spouse?

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The results are in for this month’s poll!  There was a much better turnout this time than last, so that was exciting (hey, it’s the little things).

I’ve heard many times that it’s important to date your spouse after marriage, you know, to nurture the relationship, to continue to relate to your spouse on an individual level (as opposed to a diapers, carpools and budgets level).

When I was becoming frum, the couple who I spent a lot of time with went out every Saturday night (in the winter, I think).  This Aish.com article recommends having dates once a week.   When I shared that with my husband he remarked,

“I don’t think we even dated once a week while we were dating.”

So we decided that, for us, once a month is good.  That keeps us happy.  We’ll revisit that as our family grows, but I feel that once a week isn’t a realistic goal for us (or for many people.  Who can afford a babysitter four times a month?).

The results of the poll seemed to mirror that sentiment.  The majority of you (62.5%) date when you can, that is, it’s not a regularly scheduled event, but not unheard of either.  The next group, at 28.13% doesn’t appear to even go on dates (you should really try it, no really!!), and at the bottom, with under 10%, were the regularly-scheduled daters.

That bit surprised me a little.  I would’ve thought that more people would be scheduled daters than non-daters.  But that’s why I do polls.  To learn about you, my readers.  So, thanks for participating!

The new poll is up in the sidebar, so take a minute and let me know what you think!