Tag Archives: marriage

The Perfect Marriage

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One thing I’ve learned by blogging about marriage stuff is that everyone’s marriage is different.  I mainly found this out through this post where I suggested what I thought were universal tips that would help with marriage.  Boy, was I wrong!   

One reason why different marriage advice works for different people is that we all have such different personalities.  I’m a laid-back non-confrontational kind of girl, and today’s guest poster, LittleDuckies is more direct and passionate.  She lives in Jerusalem with her toddler and husband, and loves to write (and read).  While she is a teacher by trade and earned a Bachelor’s in Education, she is currently working from home.  I’m so glad that she’s sharing her perspective on marriage.  Enjoy!

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Keeping the Peace in My Marriage

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tandpasta uit een tube

Do you see that? Squeezed right up by the top.

No matter how fantastic a spouse may be, living with another human being is bound to bring the occasional conflict.  Most of us are probably familiar with the toothpaste tube scenario – one spouse squeezes from the middle, the other from the bottom, and angst ensues.  On the surface, this is a banal and even petty issue, but somehow it can become representative of an entire relationship:

“If you really loved me, you’d squeeze from the bottom!  You don’t value my feelings!  You don’t respect me!!!!”

Granted, this is an extreme reaction, but for some reason, these minor differences can become a point of great frustration in a relationship.  The goal is to keep these small frustrations from becoming Big Problems.  Here are some tools I’ve used to keep things below the boiling point.

Disclaimer:  I’ve been married for a grand total of four years, so it’s not like I’ve got decades of experience here.  That said, this is what has worked in my relationship, and, I think, improved it.  Every relationship is very different, so please feel free to agree, disagree and add your own tips!

Know Thyself:

After I got married, I realized that I was less in touch with my emotions than I had previously thought.  I couldn’t really predict why or when something would upset me.  This was problematic on many levels, and a little embarrassing.

Over time, I’ve learned to tap into what’s really going on in there, to pinpoint why I feel what I feel.  Am I feeling overwhelmed by a kitchen full of dishes, or the pressure of an impending deadline?  I’ve noticed that when I am under stress for any reason, otherwise innocuous habits can become unallowable infractions.  By simply acknowledging that I’m feeling stressed, I become more aware that I’m in danger of blowing things out of proportion.  Just having that in mind has helped immeasurably with keeping my cool.

I’ve also learned to gauge when I need to ask for help, how to ask for it (see below), and how not to feel guilty about it.  Sometime there’s no one else around, so I ask Hashem for help.  This is so effective when I’m in the middle of a frustrating parenting situation and feeling exceptionally aggravated.

Communication:

After learning how to anticipate a stress blow-out, I realized that just because I’m aware that I’m teetering on the edge of my patience does not mean my husband is aware of it.  Not in the least.  It took a little while, but I eventually learned how to say, calmly, something along the lines of:

“Just to give you a heads up, I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now.”

He then knows to give me some space and let me regain my composure so I can be a mentsch.

When asking for help, the more specific I can be, the better.  “Can you start getting the kids ready for bed?” is not as effective as “Can you get the kids into pajamas?”  Also, I try to keep it to one request at a time, maybe two if it’s a natural pairing, i.e. “Would you clear the table and wipe it down?”

Also, it never hurts to communicate how much I appreciate him and love him.  That’s probably the best communication to do, right there.

Eliminate the Problem:

Sometimes it’s possible to sidestep the problem altogether.  When thinking about the toothpaste tube dilemma, it seems to me that one easy solution is to simply use two different tubes.

I used to hang my face washcloth next to the hand towel.  My husband had a habit of using the washcloth, rather than the towel, to dry his hands.  This bothered me.  I tried reminding him, but it didn’t really work.  So instead of being perpetually frustrated, I simply started storing my washcloth in a completely different location.  Problem solved.

Another solution we developed was the result of an amusing, yet problematic phenomenon.  My husband has an uncanny ability to consume food items I have earmarked for a recipe.  Uncanny, I tell you.  After this happened many, many times, I learned to tell him which foods were off-limits (and he learned to ask).  Problem solved.

Let it slide:

Finally, I’ve learned that sometimes it’s just better to ignore whatever is getting on my nerves.  If it’s something that I know is not going to matter in a year, then it’s okay to let it go.  I don’t need to open my mouth every time something bugs me.  It’s most likely better if I don’t.

Also, not bombarding my husband with my seemingly endless list of preferences helps make my genuine requests more noticeable, and probably more valuable.

I had my husband read over this post to make sure he was okay with the info I was sharing.  We had the following exchange regarding the washcloth incident:

Me:  “Do you remember that?”

Him: “Um … no, not really.”

Me:  “Exactly!”

I’m linking up to the January Project Marriage Challenge.  They have a challenge each month, and this month it’s sharing our marriage resolutions.  While these aren’t resolutions, per se, it certainly won’t hurt me to resolve to implement these strategies more often!

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How I met my husband

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Today is the 10-year anniversary of 9/11.  I feel funny about posting something without making reference to this national milestone.  My husband and I met almost 6 years after the tragic events of that day, and by then, life had largely returned to what is the new normal.  For people more closely connected with the events of that day, carrying on with life has a much different meaning.  Those who lost loved ones will most likely always carry their pain with them even as they go through the routine motions of their days.  It is fitting to think of them on this day, and of all the lives which were lost.  

Despite the solemnity of the day, this post is about new beginnings, and is written in a light tone.  I hope it shows that despite the events which changed the landscape of our country, we are still able to laugh, to love and to find beauty in our lives. 

My friend Ruchi wrote this great post about meeting her husband, and I enjoyed it so much that it inspired me to share how I met MY husband.  He gave me the green light, and after seeing that a number of you wanted to read about it (thanks for the feedback!), here it is.

Preface: I dated via the shidduch system, which is basically like blind dating except it’s with the intent to marry (as opposed to just date).  Also, no touchy-touchy.  At all.  Hands off.  There is also a fairly thorough background check, as well as screening for genetic diseases (Cystic Fibrosis and Tay-Sachs are prevalent among Ashkenazi Jews).  in Yeshivish circles, the dating period is insanely short by secular standards, like, a couple months or less.  On these dates, we do a combination of small talk and discussions of our goals, outlooks, etc.  If we want to continue dating, we contact the shadchan, who acts as a go-between (way easier to deal with/dish out rejection through a third party, let me tell you). When the couple is comfortable enough to interact directly, the shadchan steps back, but is still used to consult if necessary.

And now for the good part:

It was June of 2007.  I was in St. Louis for the summer after spending an inspiring year studying at Neve Yerushalayim.  My Rabbi had recommended that I continue dating while in America.  I was highly skeptical about this, since St. Louis wasn’t exactly a hotspot of single Orthodox Jewish guys.  And, besides, I was positive my bashert was in Israel, where I was planning on living for the rest of my life.  But since my Rabbi said to try, I put forth a little effort.

I signed up for one Jewish dating site (not so effective, that), and I also met with one lady who suggested a very interesting sounding guy.  He was in med school, Russian background, went to a good yeshivah, lived in Memphis, was my age, and some other stuff I don’t remember anymore. When I looked into it, though, he was “busy” (frum slang for “dating someone else”).

Soon after that, a Rebbetzin I was close with suggested the same guy to me, and I told her he was busy.  It turns out that he was the younger brother of a family I knew, and they thought it might be a good shidduch.  It was a family I would be happy to marry into, but since this guy was busy, I put it out of my mind.  With these minimal steps, I felt I had fulfilled the requirement to make an effort.  My husband was in Israel, remember?

I occupied myself with working, saving money, spending time with friends and family, and pining for the Holy Land.

this is really where I wanted to be

Every so often, I would get a (wildly inappropriate) suggestion from the dating site.  I realized that if I actually got a decent suggestion, but started dating him too close to my return ticket’s date, it would be hard to make a good decision.  So,  I selected a date about a month before my departure, and after that day, I wouldn’t accept any new suggestions.

Fast forward to two days before my self-imposed deadline.  During the middle of the (extremely boring and monotonous) workday, I received a call on my cell phone.  It was the aforementioned Rebbetzin, who proceeded to tell me that the guy was in town and I was scheduled to go out with him.  That night.

My first thought was, “Whoa, that’s some crazy timing!”  My second thought was, “Oh my gosh, I have the biggest pimple in the world on my face right now.  Hashem, why?!”

I was, pretty much, a useless employee for the rest of the day.  Despite my best efforts to work, I was supremely distracted.  That evening, I got ready in a giddy daze.  Buzzing with expectation and potential, I put on my nicest outfit, straightened my hair, did my make-up, and tried, in vain, to cover that mountainous blemish.

Nervous doesn’t even remotely describe how I was feeling.  I sat on the couch in the living room and tried to concentrate on saying Tehillim until he picked me up.

After I answered the door, we smiled awkwardly at each other as we tried to discretely check each other out.  The date was nice, not uncomfortable at all.  Our conversation was good, flowed easily, and he laughed and commented in all the right places.  I thought he was sweet, well-mannered and attractive.  We both said yes to another date.

For our second date, I think we went to the Art Museum (wow, it’s only been four years and I already can’t remember which dates were when).  I really liked him, but I was afraid that he was too good for me.  He had excellent middos, was unfailingly polite, considerate, and I was feeling totally outclassed.  He was just so nice, and I was just so me.

Thankfully, he didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with me, and we both said yes to another date.  I drove to his city for a weekend dating extravaganza.  We went on at least four dates, including one Shabbos meal.  Over the course of the weekend, we shared anecdotes from our lives, peeking into our pasts, opening ourselves up a little more to each other.  Our conversations turned more serious as we discussed what we wanted out of life, what kind of education we wanted for our children, what role we would like family to play in our lives.  Our hopes and dreams, basically.

We both agree that it was during this trip that we realized we wanted to marry each other.  However, marriage is a really big deal (ahem, understatement), and thus we went on many, many more dates (as well as meeting our respective families) before he proposed to me.  I was definitely ready to say yes at that point.

He proposed to me simply, making a very touching and sweet speech before asking me the big question.  He gave me a necklace and I think I wore it every single day until we got married (and then still almost every single day after that for quite some time).

our fist official day as an engaged couple.

We were engaged in September, the night selichos started.  At our l’chaim (a small celebration immediately following our engagement) my future brother-in-law said, as a play on words, that this was the beginning of my husband’s saying slicha (sorry) to me.

Our wedding was on December 16th, 2007, and we’ve been falling in love with each other ever since.  Awwww.

After we were married, I discovered that our first date was a surprise for my husband as well.  He drove up to St. Louis unaware that he would be going out with me (he was coming to meet his newest niece, who was about a month old at the time).  Since he didn’t bring date clothes, he had to borrow a suit and hat from his brother, and was self-conscious that I would notice that it didn’t fit him quite right.  I didn’t notice at all, and he didn’t notice my monster pimple.  Love is blind after all!

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What’s Your Take Results: Who manages the finances in your house?

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I got the idea for this poll after having a conversation with my friend, E.  She was mentioning something about paying bills or managing finances.  It came out in the course of the conversation that my husband manages all of our finances.

She was surprised, since in her marriage, she’s the one who handles all the finances.

This exchange made me wonder how common either arrangement was.  I think it’s fairly subjective, depending on who is the breadwinner, who is good with money, how we were raised, and so on.

The results of the poll were split evenly into thirds, which, besides being cool, I guess means that each of these systems works well.

When I say my husband manages the finances, I mean that he is in charge of paying the bills, balancing the accounts, and whatever other money-management stuff he does.   This is an arrangement we’ve had since we got married. Mainly, it’s because I was so pathetically lousy with money as a single girl that I didn’t want to taint whatever little money we had to work with.

This doesn’t mean that we don’t discuss financial matters.  It’s important for a couple to be on the same page for their financial goals and outlook.  It took a little while before we found that sweet spot where we were able to discuss money without me getting totally and utterly stressed out, but through that (stressful) process we found what works for us.

Toilet paper

this is always in the budget

Now we have an arrangement where I have a general budget for items such as food and basic household necessities (toilet paper, dish soap, etc.), and we review that budget to see if it needs to be expanded, or if it can be contracted (someday soon I’m going to really apply Mara at Kosher on a Budget’s wisdom and watch my bills shrink!).

Anything bigger than that warranted a discussion which basically goes like this:  “Honey, can we afford to get a ____ right now?”  And then the answer is either yes or no.  No really meant we’d wait until we could afford it, and usually, whatever it was could wait.  This is partly why we lived with just one car for quite some time after it was comfortable to do so.

We have a “things to buy someday” list, and as the bills are slowly whittled away, we are able to get these things, one at a time.  But our main goal right now (see, I know what it is ’cause we discussed it) is to pay off the substantial debt from college, med school, and living off a resident’s salary.

For the most part, though, I’m in the dark about how much the bills are, and indeed, what they are.  I do my part, you know, turning off lights when I leave the room, and, um, turning off lights when I leave the room.  Well, every little bit helps, right?

At times, this system has made me feel a bit like a relic.  When our previous apartment was being shown, the first time the realtor and potential tenants asked me how much the utilities were, I  mumbled something about my husband paying the bills and that he would email the realtor with the info.  I felt like I was somehow representing the stereotypical image of a subjugated wife who lives on a stipend controlled by her husband (which is kind of true, except for the subjugated part).

But the difference is that I chose this.  This is what works for our marriage.  It’s a good arrangement.  I don’t second-guess my husband’s financial choices (mainly); I feel like I can buy things I need, but I also don’t just go out and spend thoughtlessly either.  I make sure that whatever I buy is within the budget.

That’s my story.  Now go and vote in the newest poll.  Much thank to Juliya Sheynman for the idea!  It’s up in the sidebar.  :)

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What’s your take results: What do you call your spouse?

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Wow, I really left that poll up for ages, didn’t I?  Well, the results are definitely in:

In our house, we mainly call each other by nicknames (Honey, or Honeychik/Honeychka – the Russian influence and all), or Tatty/Mommy.  We do use our proper names, but with the little parrot in our house (Little Man, that is), it has started to be amusingly problematic.

Just last week, I was calling to my husband, who was in another room.  Immediately after I did so, Little Man did a perfect imitation, inflection and all, of my husband’s name.  And kept repeating it for some time.  It was really cute, but not exactly something I was going to encourage.

And then yesterday, when Little Man wanted me to bring him a snack, he again said my husband’s name, then looked at me.

“What’s my name?”  I asked the little tyke.

“[my husband's name, with that same inflection - do I really sound like that?  yikes.]“

“I’m Mommy,” I say.

“[again with my husband's name]“

“Mommy.”

“[the name]“

“Mommy.”

You can see where this is going.  Anyways, it’s pretty funny.  But now I really have to be mindful of what I call my husband.

We do joke around about how it’s funnily/creepily Oedipal to say things like, “I love you, Mommy.”  I mean, really?  Ew.  Also, we end up referring to each other by Mommy/Tatty even when the kids are sleeping.  Or when we’re out at a restaurant.  Or whatever.  So it’s got some quirky side effects, but overall, it doesn’t faze me.  Just another unexpected kick of parenting.  At least this one isn’t physically gross, unlike other parenting experiences.

Check out the new poll in the sidebar (yeah, over there).   Let me know where you stand.

Around the Web and Picture(s) of the Week: Standing Genes?

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Happy Friday!  Since most of you are probably busy getting ready for Shabbos, I thought I would provide a few highlights from posts I found over the week which I enjoyed, and I hope you do, too.

Over at A Mother in Israel, Hannah asks about submission in marriage – how and when is it healthy?

This Good Life gives a great list of ways to improve your marriage (hint:  there’s a reference to chocolate)

LadyMama has a post by Becky Brownstein about ways to keep it together in our hectic, hectic lives

Also, I started blogging at theJerusalemLife.com, and here is the first post.  I’ll be posting three times a week, IY”H. 

Oh, and don’t forget the impending apocalypse…

And now for the Pictures of the Week:

David Eliezer standing (already)

Oh, hi Mom, don't mind me, I'll just be looking in this box over here...

This baby is not even eight months old yet.  I thought I would have more time.  This is about when my other son starting standing, too (and he started walking at nine-and-a-half months).  Gulp.  Also, can you see his peyos in this pic?  They are massively long!  And it’s all natural!

I have peyos and I'm so happy!

It took me a little while to find the picture of his brother standing, but here we are (sorry for the red eyes):

Like brother like...brother?

Hey, how do I get down from here?

Have a fantastic Shabbos!

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Torah Tuesdays: Good Vibes

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Image via Wikipedia.

kindness needs to be more than a facade

Today’s Torah Tuesdays was inspired by a shiur by Rebbetzin Nechama Karlinsky.

She mentioned that our attitude towards others is reflected back to us.  In Mishlei (otherwise known as Proverbs) 27:19 we learn that:

“As water reflects a face back to a face, so one’s heart is reflected back to him by another.”

What does this mean?  Well, let’s say a pair of roommates don’t get along so well.  They get on each others’ nerves more and more, until every interaction is strained and prickly.  They are probably both thinking “What is her problem?” The problem is that the more they focus on how annoying the other one is, the more they are feeding into the demise of the relationship.  The negative feelings just continue to ricochet off each other until perhaps they can no longer be roommates.

Yikes.

I know a counselor who maintains that the best way to start getting along with someone who seems difficult is to be very, very nice to them.  It’s very difficult to be unpleasant to someone who is giving you compliments and being very nice.  Genuinely nice, of course, no fakey Hollywood niceness.  She suggests finding real, honest reasons to appreciate the person, and then to express that appreciation.   Turn the viewpoint around from negative to positive.  Is the person anal-retentive?  Find a reason to appreciate their attention to detail, view it as put-together and capable.  Doesn’t that sound nicer?  Is the person stubborn?  View it as dedicated and stable.  I’m sure you can think of more (and perhaps better) examples.

This can certainly apply to spouses.  If you’re sensing frustrated and/or less-than-positive vibes, check out your own attitude, and start sending positive thoughts and warm fuzzies out.  It really works.  Really.  It’s not always easy; I know that my pesky ego gets in my way a lot (so annoying). But when it’s possible to subjugate that desire for honor, it’s worth it.

Rebbetzin Karlinsky went on to explain that the way we treat others is the way Hashem treats us.  Okay, so what does that mean?  It sounds serious.  That’s ’cause it is.

We learn that when we have mercy and compassion on another person, even, or perhaps especially, when that person has wronged us, then Hashem will also have mercy on compassion on us when we do something wrong.  I don’t know about you, but I make mistakes on a regular basis.  I can use all the help I get.

Not to get scary, but the reverse is also true.  If a person sits around judging, scrutinizing and essentially condemning their fellow humans, that’s going to activate the same kind of judgment and scrutiny up above.  No thanks.  I’d like to skip that.

Of course, it’s not just as simple as always being nice and never passing judgment.  Many times emotions pull us strongly in one way or another, but, like with all self-improvement, go slow, take small steps, and celebrate each spiritual victory.  As Sara Yocheved Rigler said,

“There is no such thing as an insignificant spiritual victory.”

Okay, so now go out and be nice to everyone!

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Perspectives of Marriage: Marrying Perfection

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Cold Stone Creamery

Image by ladybugbkt via Flickr

Penina Herskovitz, originally a Clevelander, now lives in Miami Beach with her husband, 15 month old daughter (and one on the way).  She has been teaching preschool for ten years, was a math major and enjoys playing the piano when she gets a chance.

Growing up in today’s world, little girls are constantly bombarded by ideas of what a husband should be like. A husband should be Prince Charming who sweeps his wife off her feet (usually after rescuing her from death by poison fruit with a magical kiss), or he should surprise her with a candle-lit home-cooked gourmet dinner, or he’ll be a Super Shopper, able to buy his wife stunning jewelry and matching dress and shoes as a surprise, and she will love them and, by extension, him.

When I got older, I started reading marriage books, and how marriage takes work, communication, forgiveness, understanding, patience, and knowing when to keep your mouth shut. I hate to sound like everyone else in the world when I say that I was convinced that my husband was going to be perfect. At least, “perfect” according to Disney movies, and Zales and Macy’s commercials.  He’d always know the right thing to say and do for me when I needed it, and I would be a kind and loving (read: awesome) wife who knew exactly how to get him to respond how I needed. I wouldn’t need to work on myself, I was pretty patient and understanding already, right?

Yeah, right.

I met my husband about two and a half years ago. He was the best – smart, wry sense of humour, knew tons of random information (just like me!), was adventurous, and very considerate of what I wanted. If I wanted to go for a walk instead of sitting in Cold Stone Creamery, great, let’s go! Coffee? Soda? Ice tea works great also! He really paid attention
and tried hard to do what I wanted also. Wonderful!

We were married 4 or 6 months after we first met (complex dating story cut short: we didn’t see each other for 2 months after our first meeting, too much travel and waiting on more information). We had a beautiful snowy wedding, I wore my dream dress, he performed shtick I’d rarely seen before, and friends and family told us how happy we both looked.

Three weeks after the wedding I called my shadchan in tears. My Prince didn’t seem to care how hard I worked to make suppers for him, or he didn’t care for the food I made, or didn’t notice when I dressed up nicely for him or cleaned the house. What happened to Mr. Perfect all of a sudden? What happened to our fairy-tale marriage?

Luckily, my shadchan is a very wise woman, with, Baruch Hashem, a beautiful marriage that I’ve looked forward to having myself. She reassured me that it was normal, that marriage isn’t always wine and roses, and there is a period of adjustment. I mean, two people who’ve known each other for a matter of months are suddenly expected to live together, without knowing the other’s preferences, quirks, habits and tastes. And I want that to happen in only three weeks?? She then said the one thing I had read over and over during all those years:

“Marriage isn’t about two people getting what they want for themselves, it’s about two people giving what the other one needs for the sake of the home.”

Those same words now took on an entirely new meaning. I finally understood what they were talking about.  My dream husband was someone who catered to me, did everything I wanted. Yeah, that might be cool to have, but it wouldn’t make a good husband, it would be more like a servant.

She then reminded me of all the great qualities my new husband had, pointing out how they would make my life easier in the long run. Yes, he didn’t notice the house was clean, but, once children are born, wouldn’t that be a good thing not to notice? Ok, so he’s picky about my food, but, thank G-d, he knows his way around the kitchen – sometimes better than me – and he can show me how he likes his meals. Did I really want him to notice everything I did around the house? Or was it better for me that he’s (usually) oblivious and won’t notice when something isn’t the way he wanted? Do I really need him to surprise me with clothing? Or do my tastes change so much that it would be a disaster anyway?

I’ve replayed that conversation in my head over and over in my head for the last two years. Thank G-d, I’ve reached a stage where I understand my husband so much better. He’s not perfect, but neither am I.  My food isn’t always great, even for my tastes, and now I know not to ask “Do you like it?” but rather “How often should I make it?” I know he takes an hour to get ready for bed at night, and that ‘putting something away’ is not the same as ‘putting it back where it used to be’. I know he likes to be involved in chosing our home decorations, but he doesn’t mind being surprised by a new tie, regardless of the colour.

And as I pay more attention to him, I can see more of what he does for me, and appreciate him so much more. He sweeps the floor almost every night, and takes over dishes duty when I’m too tired. He takes such good care of our daughter if I decide to go out, and they have a great time together. And he makes sure the laundry goes into the machine on Sunday morning while playing with the baby so I can sleep late.

So are we now the perfect couple? Who cares? We’re busy working on our marriage.

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Torah Tuesdays: Thinking before speaking

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image via Wikipedia

Warning sign.

Because of our concert on Sunday (it was GREAT!!!!  Maybe even worth six exclamation points!!!!!!), my whole week feels off by one day.  I almost didn’t realize that it was Tuesday!  Thankfully, I did, and here is the latest TT post:

I talk a lot when I’m nervous.  It’s almost involuntary.  While I am able to be quiet, and don’t feel a compulsion to fill every silent space, in certain situations I tend to speak first and think later.

Once, while having a conversation with someone who is quiet by nature, I did just that.  She was telling me that she has never been “good with words.”

“Yeah, me neither,”  I shared.

“I find that hard to believe,” was her response.

Ironically, that exchange was a good example of what I meant.  Yes, I’m able to express myself fairly well most of the time, whether it’s through writing or speaking  (I prefer writing, as you can edit your thoughts before publishing them – a major perk).  I socialize easily and enjoy conversation.  But sometimes I just don’t know what to say and then blurt out a sentence which doesn’t quite fit in the context. What I should have said was,

“You know, I also have my moments where I just don’t say the right thing, or don’t know what to say at all.”

But I didn’t.  I choked.  I didn’t even have anything to say in response. to her response  Nothing.  Nada.  My brain just doesn’t process information that quickly sometimes.  I’m not sure what she thought about my comment, which, most likely seemed disingenuous, which was totally not what I was going for!

Just today I saw someone I haven’t seen for a while, and she mentioned that we hadn’t, well,  seen each other for a while.

“I really don’t get out much,”  I said.

Right, except for the major concert I was just in, all the rehearsals that it took to prepare for the concert, the classes I sometimes make it to, playdates, grocery shopping, the Children’s Museum … oops.  I really do get out a lot.  What I should have said was.

“Yeah, I guess our schedules don’t sync up too much, huh?”

Or, even better.

“Yep, so how have you been?”

These small gaffes in communication are relatively innocuous, but when added up, they can possibly create confusion at best, or ill feelings, in extreme examples.  Since communication in a relationship is important, it’s probably a good idea to make sure that whatever I’m saying is really what I want to convey, and to try and make sure that my message is coming across. Even though I may completely mean what I’m saying, and think it’s the clearest thing in the world, it could be perceived in a way which I wouldn’t have even thought of.

Also, perhaps even more importantly, in a marriage, it’s important to be sensitive with those comments. I’m reminded of the story of how when the angel came to tell Sarah (the matriarch) that she was going to become pregnant (at her advanced age), she responded by laughing incredulously, and mentioning that both her and her husband were past the age of having children.  When Hashem related this incident to Avraham, her husband, He left out the part where Sarah called Avraham “old.”

Communication and emotional openness are important, but there’s a way to say something, and then there’s a way to say something.  So, if there’s a nicer way to say what’s  needed, it’s probably better to do so.

To take it one step further, in addition to thinking about how to say something, also think about whether or not it should be said.  When I was getting advice from one of my rebbetzins about how to deal with trying situations, one of the pointers she gave me was to ask myself what to say, and what not to say.

That was a mind-blowing concept.  You mean, sometimes I shouldn’t say something?  Even if I really, really, really, reaaaalllllly want to?  She taught me that in some situations, there may be nothing gained from talking.  That’s a hard one for me, but in the events that I’ve taken that advice, I’ve been glad that I did.

What are some challenges you face in communication?  What are some tips you’ve acquired over the years?

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Living outside of stereotypes

by
Cambridge, MA: Harvard University

Image by pobrecito33 via Flickr

Chavi Cohen is a young mother of two, living in Cleveland, Ohio.  A Harvard graduate with a penchant for reading through meals and seeking out intellectual stimulation, she’s always trying to find a happy medium between mommy and me.  On her blog Harvard Housewife she writes about connecting to herself, her friends and family, and her choices in life.

I was reading an article in a Binah magazine a few weeks ago which described one woman’s first anguish and then self-satisfaction at having given up a promotion years earlier because she believed the hours and responsibility would interfere with mothering her children.  She was dismayed that someone who was less qualified than her got the promotion and further upset that maybe, with all her skills and qualifications, she should be rising to some top professional position as the promoted friend was.

While reading this, I couldn’t help but think of my own marriage and self. I recently took a Myers-Brigg personality test.  I came back as an ESTJ.  In short, (you could Google it if you really want), this profile is the leadership profile.  60-80% of corporate CEOs are this profile, as are numerous presidents, Sandra Day O’Conner, Colin Powell and tons of lawyers.

The test administrator told me, upon reviewing my results and knowing that I have two children, that not only is this a highly unusual profile for a young woman (I knew I was weird!) but almost no person possessing this profile could happily be a stay-at-home mom.

Funny, that’s what I told my husband-to-be on our third date.  Fresh from the yeshiva world and his wild transformation to observant Jew, he was convinced that all frum women were either nurses, babysitters, OTs, PTs or accountants.  Working for Congress and raising money, and, gasp!, working with men, did not ring authentic.

Although I did like him a lot, I had to be honest.  I said,

“Well, that’s just not me.  If you’re looking for someone like that then I don’t think this is going to work.”

Evidently, he put aside his reservations because we got engaged four weeks later…

For me, there is immense personal satisfaction in doing something well. At the same time, I know I’m not wired to be home with my kids all the time.  I would go crazy.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a good mom (if I say so myself) and love my kids to pieces.  But actually playing with them, or reading the same book 20 times can exhaust me rather quickly.  Yet, strategizing an approach to a donor, putting together a really compelling message for an organization or writing a killer proposal leaves me with that “job well done” feeling.

And here I have to give credit where credit is due.  Knowing my husband’s initial feelings on the subject, we could have been in for a rocky ride.  And in the beginning it was a little tough – not gonna lie.  But some of the greatest pleasure I get out of my marriage is when my husband supports me – REALLY supports me.  Whether its holding down the fort when I go for a quick day business trip – or urging me to ask for a little more responsibility at work – or putting up with me when I’m working and not doing household chores – that’s when I really feel like he gets me and I really feel appreciated and part of a wonderful partnership.

And I’m not the easiest wife to put up with.  I forget napkins every time I set the table, I hardly dust and I definitely don’t clean toilets.  I get frustrated easily when my toddler is just acting like a two year old and sometimes just have to remove myself from the situation and let him take over so I can keep my cool.  I am known for using the phrase “I really don’t know why the baby is crying so much!” as code for – “PLEASE save me from this screaming child before I lose my mind!”

And amazingly, most of the time, he’s ok with that.

I’ll admit it.  I’m the type of person that would take that promotion the woman lamented over in Binah.  And my husband is the type of person who would support me doing it.  I can support my family, support myself and my own needs and be supported, all at the same time.  Isn’t that what we should all be striving for?

Believe it or not, when describing my husband, the test administrator said -

“yes, that sounds like exactly the type of man you would marry.  Most men would run screaming from you, but he fits your complementary profile.  He gets you and he’s ok with who you are.”

Now while I wasn’t too thrilled to hear that most men would run screaming, I’m glad my husband didn’t.  And I’m glad that there’s a beautiful level of acceptance and understanding that forms the backbone of our marriage.  Just goes to show that although we might think the Binah lady’s decision is the right one as far as hashkafa and religion goes, really, there’s an even greater answer I think – one that is intensely personal and depends on just what type of personality you are!

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