I got the idea for this poll after having a conversation with my friend, E. She was mentioning something about paying bills or managing finances. It came out in the course of the conversation that my husband manages all of our finances.
She was surprised, since in her marriage, she’s the one who handles all the finances.
This exchange made me wonder how common either arrangement was. I think it’s fairly subjective, depending on who is the breadwinner, who is good with money, how we were raised, and so on.
The results of the poll were split evenly into thirds, which, besides being cool, I guess means that each of these systems works well.
When I say my husband manages the finances, I mean that he is in charge of paying the bills, balancing the accounts, and whatever other money-management stuff he does. This is an arrangement we’ve had since we got married. Mainly, it’s because I was so pathetically lousy with money as a single girl that I didn’t want to taint whatever little money we had to work with.
This doesn’t mean that we don’t discuss financial matters. It’s important for a couple to be on the same page for their financial goals and outlook. It took a little while before we found that sweet spot where we were able to discuss money without me getting totally and utterly stressed out, but through that (stressful) process we found what works for us.
Now we have an arrangement where I have a general budget for items such as food and basic household necessities (toilet paper, dish soap, etc.), and we review that budget to see if it needs to be expanded, or if it can be contracted (someday soon I’m going to really apply Mara at Kosher on a Budget’s wisdom and watch my bills shrink!).
Anything bigger than that warranted a discussion which basically goes like this: “Honey, can we afford to get a ____ right now?” And then the answer is either yes or no. No really meant we’d wait until we could afford it, and usually, whatever it was could wait. This is partly why we lived with just one car for quite some time after it was comfortable to do so.
We have a “things to buy someday” list, and as the bills are slowly whittled away, we are able to get these things, one at a time. But our main goal right now (see, I know what it is ’cause we discussed it) is to pay off the substantial debt from college, med school, and living off a resident’s salary.
For the most part, though, I’m in the dark about how much the bills are, and indeed, what they are. I do my part, you know, turning off lights when I leave the room, and, um, turning off lights when I leave the room. Well, every little bit helps, right?
At times, this system has made me feel a bit like a relic. When our previous apartment was being shown, the first time the realtor and potential tenants asked me how much the utilities were, I mumbled something about my husband paying the bills and that he would email the realtor with the info. I felt like I was somehow representing the stereotypical image of a subjugated wife who lives on a stipend controlled by her husband (which is kind of true, except for the subjugated part).
But the difference is that I chose this. This is what works for our marriage. It’s a good arrangement. I don’t second-guess my husband’s financial choices (mainly); I feel like I can buy things I need, but I also don’t just go out and spend thoughtlessly either. I make sure that whatever I buy is within the budget.
That’s my story. Now go and vote in the newest poll. Much thank to Juliya Sheynman for the idea! It’s up in the sidebar. :)
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Rivki Silver ~ thoughts & music 
Just found your blog today while floating around on wordpress & enjoyed this post! I completely agree with you when you say that the most important thing is to be on the same page with your spouse. I love your idea to do polls, too!
Thanks for the inspiration :)
Hey Suzanne, thanks for visiting and commenting! The polls are definitely fun, and a great way to interact. Have fun on wordpress!
Love it, Rivki! Great post! Missed the poll, but would have voted for the teamwork one. Mainly because my husband works, but doesn’t use the internet. So he knows more about what comes in but I know more about what comes out (since I can check our online banking). I really like the idea of the ‘things to buy someday’ list- I never actually wrote it out, but we have one, nonetheless. Funny how real necessities can be on there, and stay on there, for a really long time. But that is just part of the learning patience and becoming and adult thing, I guess! ;)
Evan does everything, and I pretty much hate it, but I can’t get him to change.
Shosh – seems like a good system you have there. The whole list thing really has shown me how some things aren’t really necessities (like a Shabbos sheitel. I’ve been without one for maybe half a year now, and I have SURVIVED).
Chaviva – it sounds like you might benefit from doing one of those power-of-suggestion-plus-feminine-wiles moves. This takes a while, but you slowly convince your husband to bend to your will, but somehow make him think it’s his idea (that’s the most important part). Gosh, I hope your husband isn’t reading this comment…or mine, for that matter.
I’m the one who manages the budget. Specifically paying the bills and tracking expenses. But my husband and I both work together on our financial goals and budget. I have never spent on anything out of means, and he has never went out and bought anything without thinking about our finances first. I think that honesty and teamwork helps to avoid those types of situations where couples have no idea what each other are spending and end up needing separate accounts. We have join accounts.
I think you hit the nail on the head – honesty and teamwork. Those are two tools necessary for any part of marriage, it seems.
So interesting. I always thought husbands “should” do this job – don’t ask me why. My own mother keeps all the finances so not sure where that came from. Meanwhile I finally realized I better do it because I’m more organized, but didn’t feel good about it. Then it dawned on me that I can fudge things when I’m the one who gets the bills :) Then we learned that my husband has ADD. Then he convinced me that I’m so good at math, yadi yadi yada (sounds like reverse power of suggestion thing). Anyway, now I do it all and it works and we’re both happy!
It’s funny, I *also* thought that bills were in the husband’s domain, and my mother *also* did the bills in my house! Maybe we thought that just ’cause we didn’t want to do them ourselves. ;)
I’m glad that you found a happy place with your finances. Yay!