The more success I’ve had in my writing ventures, the more reticent I’ve become about talking about it in real life. I can’t entirely explain why this is, but I suspect it has something to do with this.
Last night it happened as some fellow moms and I were returning from a parenting class. We were discussing organization, and I mentioned that I really enjoy being organized, and organizing things, but have found that I only have so much time during the day, and it usually ends up being an either/or choice.
I said something along the lines of:
“Either I can do music or write articles, or I can organize my house. There isn’t always time for both.”
As soon as the words “write articles” came out of my mouth, I regretted it. Because I felt like I was bragging, maybe? Because I think writing is cool, and that I get to write for other venues that actually pay me sometimes is BEYOND AMAZING AND INCREDIBLE. And because of the amazing incredibleness of it, I don’t want to talk about it. Because I feel so lucky. And yet I threw out that little nugget, so maybe I really do want to talk about it, because I’m proud of the work it’s taken for me to get there?
AArghghg, it’s confusing in my head.
So, anyways, one of the passengers asked me if I wrote for myself, or for other places. I, in my state of confusion and discomfort (discomfort of my own making, mind you, but discomfort nonetheless), used vague hand gestures while mumbling:
“Other places, other places.”
And then I quickly moved on past that and continue talking about organization. And felt uncomfortable for a) bringing the issue up and then b)shutting it down.
I guess the line gets blurry because I’m not sure where the root of my discomfort lies. Humility? Probably not. Humility in Judaism is not so much “I’m not worthy” as much as it is “the only reason I’m successful at writing is because Hashem gave me the ability, plus I’m actually making an effort to do it.”
Maybe the root is somewhere in the whole “blessings lie in that which is hidden” concept. I feel tremendously blessed to be able to write as much as I do. The irony is that while I’m not so comfortable talking about it in person, writing about it ON THE INTERNET is completely fine, apparently (oh, internet, you’re so confusing. It feels like I’m alone while I type this, but then people I can’t see read it).
Whatever the reason, the discomfort is there. I don’t like to self-promote that much (though I thankfully have some amazing friends who help me out in that area), but have been learning how to do it as a sort of necessary step to getting more exposure, and thus, more writing gigs.
But what of just talking about my writing in everyday conversation? That, I have no idea.
Is there anything that you do, that you’re proud of, yet feel uncomfortable talking about it? What do you do about it?