On Being a Non-Participant


This week was the much-publicized Great Challah Bake and Shabbos Project.  I was totally excited about both these events, but, much to my dismay, I didn’t participate in either!  What?!  Yes.

The Challah Bake was scheduled on Thursday.  On Wednesday, I realized that my husband was scheduled to work the 2 pm to 1 am shift on Thursday.  Though I did see some pictures of friends who took a kid with them, I didn’t have the energy to shlep all my kids, and I didn’t have the energy to get a babysitter, either (for some reason, finding a babysitter takes a Herculean amount of effort).  So I watched from home as my newsfeed filled up with pictures of thousands and thousands of women across the country participating in this amazing event.  It looked tremendous, really tremendous!

As for the Shabbos Project, we almost hosted a couple boys for meals, but in the end they went somewhere else, so it was just us.  And since I was still recuperating from the holidays, and a little under the weather, and also having zero energy from, Baruch Hashem, being in the last month of pregnancy, I was a little relieved to not have guests this week.

And when our daughter ended up being sick multiple times Friday night (poor thing!), I was even more grateful for the lack of guests.  Maybe that was the reason that our guests cancelled.

But as I write all this, I feel apologetic and guilty about not participating, about being too tired to do more.  On the one hand, I truly don’t have a lot of energy right now.  And knowing when to say no is an important skill.  On the other hand, I love having guests.  I love participating in big events.  I do get energized from these things, and maybe if I had risen to the challenge, I would have managed.  I’m very disappointed that I didn’t get to participate in either of these events.  And there’s this niggling voice that says, “but so-and-so tzadeikes was able to host 570 guests for Shabbos even when she was on bedrest and had 27 children of her own!  You’re just a slacker!” (that’s hyperbole, obviously)

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while will likely recognize this struggle.  It’s not the first time I’ve felt this way, and it probably won’t be the last.

Now I’m just going to ramble for a few paragraphs

Sometimes there are mitzvos that I really want to do, and don’t have the capability to do.  Sometimes taking care of my family is the most I can do.  I really don’t like not being able to participate in communal things, to not be involved in All The Things.  I’m well aware that as a Jew, I should always be doing (and yes, I’m aware that just being pregnant is actually being in a state of constant doing, even when it doesn’t seem like I’m doing anything).

I also want to be realistic about when trying to do all the things will cause me to be a less patient mother and wife, and I’ve gotten a lot better at that.  I’ve learned what I’m able to make time for and what is really outside the realm of realistic.  People ask me how I have time to write.  It’s because I can sit in my house at 10:13 at night, in comfy clothes and scratch out a little time to write.  Yes, it means I’m ignoring the dishes and the toys strewn about the floor, which I will need to deal with eventually.  It’s the events that have set times, that require me finding a babysitter.  Those just feel completely out of reach most of the time.

But I have a difficult time differentiating between can’t and won’t.  You know?  While I’m on the topic, there are other things I’m also not doing that I feel like giving everyone an apology for.  I’m sorry for not reading your blog posts.  I’m sorry for not promoting your idea.  I’m sorry for not submitting that article in a timely manner.  I’m sorry for not writing that letter, picking up the phone, sending the email….the list could go on for quite some time.

Still kind of aimlessly writing here…

I was wondering if there was even a point in publishing this post.  Maybe I’m just feeling kvetchy.  Maybe I’m rationalizing my non-participating.  Maybe I’m absolutely making the right decision to conserve my energy for my family.  Not being able to tell which is which makes me feel very frustrated.

So, I’m sorry for this disjointed, confused and not-so-polished post.  Except I’m not entirely sorry.  Sometimes that’s just where I’m holding, and why shouldn’t I show you that part of my life as well, right?  Maybe that’s why I didn’t get to participate in either event.  As a reminder for myself that life is messy and unclear and doesn’t always take the shape I might want.

But the shape it takes is really quite wonderful (even if, at this exact moment, I’m listening to my sons complain about having to clean up all the legos they dumped out.  At least they’re actually cleaning, even if it’s super whiny!).  So while I will try to always strive to do as much as I can, appreciating the wonderful is enough for right now.

onthecouch sciencecenterkitchen



A Light in the Darkness


We’ve done road trips for years.  Multi-day ones, with a whole system to keep the kids occupied.  We’ve always traveled during daylight hours, mainly.  Until this past Saturday night.

After spending the last days of the high holiday season with family in Cleveland, my husband’s work schedule combined with the time Shabbos ended meant that we would need to drive through the night.  Our estimated arrival time was around three in the morning.

I’m aware that many parents prefer driving at night (sleeping children are much more pleasant travel companions than kvetching ones), but night driving makes me very nervous.  We’d be driving through rural areas, in the mountains, after a three-day holiday, with rain in the forecast.  Not the most comforting scenario. Continue reading

The Time of Our Burnout, er, Joy


The fast-upcoming holiday of Sukkos (Sukkot, whatever your preference) is also known as “zman simchaseinu,” or, in English, “the Time of our Joy.”  We’re happy for a lot of reasons, like the assumption (hope, prayer, wish) that we received a favorable judgment on Rosh Hashana, and the wiping away of our sins on Yom Kippur, and the representation of a sukkah as Divine protection, just to name a few.

Personally, I’m not big into the outdoors, with its bugs and bees (which I guess could be included in the category of bugs, but I’m giving them a special mention of their own).  I don’t really enjoy shlepping food from the house to the sukkah and eating in all that, well, nature.

It would seem that there’s not much zman simchaseinu in this holiday for me. Continue reading

Things I Learned When My Fridge Stopped Working on Rosh Hashana


Yes, you read that correctly.  When I opened the refrigerator on Thursday night to take out the food for the next meal, I noticed that the temperature inside the fridge was . . . not cold.  I closed the door and immediately re-opened it, thinking maybe I was imagining things.  But, no, it was definitely room temperature in there.

Still experiencing a sizable amount of denial about the situation, I placed my hand along the side of the fridge, feeling for vibrations which might indicate that it was really working, just poorly.  Nothing.  I opened the freezer.  Defrosting was occurring.  Water dripped onto the floor.


I closed and reopened the doors to the fridge and freezer a couple more times, just to verify, I guess, with a sinking feeling, that none of the food I spent three days making was going to make it much longer unless I came up with a plan. Continue reading

On Having a Large Family


I was introduced to the world of large families when I was becoming frum, shortly after college.  I watched the lives of these large families with no small amount of awe.  This, I thought, this is what I want.  The love, the helping, the necessity of sharing and learning to compromise, the endless action and boisterousness.  I wanted it all.

And, after getting married, we started out on that path, but then things got a little more challenging than I anticipated.  Okay, that’s a huge understatement.  I was drowning and felt like a total failure.  How could I not live up to my ideal of what I imagined my very own frum family to be like?  How could I not be able to do it?  What did that mean for me in frum society?

Well, it turns out it meant that I felt the same way as many of my friends and neighbors.  I’ve had more than one friend express to me her dismay at the incredible challenges having small children close together poses, and others confide that they didn’t even realize birth control was a thing frum people did.

A while back, I pitched an idea to Kveller to write something about my feelings on this topic, but I hesitated for a long time before writing it.  I’m well aware that it is not a given that pregnancies come easy, and that having many children close together is a bracha. I know it’s not only not a choice for some, but it’s also a very painful topic.  I didn’t want to inadvertently cause pain to those who wanted a large family but whose physical reality makes that unlikely.  I didn’t want my message and experience to come across as extremely insensitive, a “first world problem” of family life.

But the more women I’ve spoken to who feel overwhelmed by their blessings, and feel guilty (among other emotions) about it, the more I felt their feelings needed to be articulated.  It’s difficult to feel like you’re the only one going through a challenge that isn’t really a challenge, except it really is.  So I wrote the article, and it’s up today over at Kveller.  I hope you’ll head over there and let me know how you feel.

And since this is the last post before Rosh Hashanah, may you have a ksiva v’chasima tovah (a good writing and sealing in the book of life), and a sweet new year filled with all good things, blessings, success and the ability to appreciate whatever goodness is in your life!

Orthodox Women Talk: Round Two


Hello and welcome to the second installation of Orthodox Women Talk!  You have questions about living an Orthodox Jewish life, we, a panel of Orthodox women answer them.  If you missed last week’s post, you can find it here.

Much gratitude to Keshet Starr for coming up with this concept!  Have a question?  Leave it in the comments or just contact me.


The question:  How does one prep or enjoy Shabbos with young children/while working full time/on long Shabbos afternoons?




I think I could write a whole book on this one—making (and enjoying!) Shabbos while working and taking care of little kids is definitely not easy. While I have by no means figured this out, here are some tips that have helped:

  1. Do things your way

Every household has their own traditions for Shabbos, and I’ve had to learn to embrace the ones that work for me and let go of the others. For example, many people serve an appetizer, but I’ve found that if I do that I feel like I’m in the kitchen the whole time, so we skip it!

2.  Plan, plan, and plan some more

Nearly every day of the week I do something to prepare for Shabbos. On Sunday, I invite. On Monday, I make my menu and order groceries. On Wednesday and Thursday, I cook. And Friday, I set the table and tidy up the house. Dividing up my tasks like this prevents me from being up until 3:00 am Thursday nights, or spending all of my Fridays (my day off) in the kitchen, which I REALLY like to avoid.

3.  Protect your Oneg Shabbos

Before I had children, I would light my Shabbos candles and pray, say Kabbalas Shabbos, and then relax on the couch with an inspiring magazine. Now, I’m lucky if I can light my candles and squeeze in the blessing between “Mommy, I have to go potty!” and “Baby Moshe needs you!” and “Ma-ma-ma-ma!” So I do whatever I can to make things easier on Shabbos so I can relax. I prep everything for the meal ahead of time, I use pre-made bottles for my baby to save a few steps, and I try to relax and let the mess wait as much as possible. Shabbos with little kids is always going to be different, but it can still be wonderful!

Keshet Starr is an Orthodox wife and mom who works as an attorney and moonlights as a scrapbooker, blogger, photographer, baker, reader, writer, and lover of all things creative! She lives in New Jersey with her fellow-attorney husband and two young children. When she isn’t taking care of her to-do list, indulging in a hobby, or sipping a hot latte, she likes to think about the deeper things in life and connect with others. Keshet blogs at www.keshetstarr.com and Instagrams at @keshetstarr.



I make Shabbos every week, but I’m still not sure how to prepare for Shabbos with young kids at home! My kids are 20 months and 3 months and I could easily spend all of Friday just feeding and changing them, never mind cooking and cleaning.

One thing we’ve done is simplify the Shabbos menu. We started doing this during my second pregnancy because I just didn’t have the energy for more, but we’re still doing it because we really like it. Our menu template at this point is challah with 1 dip, soup, and dessert on Friday night and challah with the same dip, two cooked dishes, and the same dessert for lunch. (If you’re interested, I wrote more about making Shabbos back in February.)

Whatever I’m cooking, I’m usually making it with the kids around. My son’s meals are prime cooking time, unless the baby also needs to eat then. His nap is prime cooking time, too, minus whatever time I spend feeding the baby. (Do you sense a pattern?) Sometimes I cook five minutes at a time, whenever five free minutes happen, and eventually I manage to turn out a couple of finished dishes. And if my husband isn’t working, having him around makes a huge difference.

In terms of enjoying long Shabbos afternoons when you have little kids, you’re touching on something that struck me when my toddler was born. It doesn’t really matter what day it is, kids still have basic needs that need to be met — even if Shabbos/Yom Tov is starting in less than an hour and the kitchen is a wreck and I haven’t showered, let alone thought about finding some clean Shabbos clothes. And on Shabbos afternoon, I might be dying to relax in bed with a magazine, but the baby still eats every two hours, and inevitably as soon as she’s done, my toddler’s nap will be over. So yes, Shabbos afternoons are not what they used to be — my husband and I haven’t played a board game in eons (did that all the time pre-kids), and getting more than a few minutes to relax with a book is really rare.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy Shabbos afternoons!

I love spending time with my kids, and even though I do it all day, every day, there’s something special about having time with them that isn’t interrupted by my phone/email/Facebook going off, washing dishes, cooking, doing laundry, etc. I’m much more relaxed in general on Shabbos; everything is more laid-back. My husband and I love to take the kids to the park or friends’ houses in the late afternoon when the weather’s nice, and even though one of us could stay at home, most weeks we both go because we just plain like it. (When he or I really need a break, the other one takes the kids out.)

Tali Simon is a writer, editor, and food blogger living near the Dead Sea. She loves to cook, her skinny husband loves to eat, and their two kids are rather unpredictable. Check out Tali’s vegetarian recipes, weekly menu plans, and stories about life in Israel at More Quiche, Please.


Rebecca Klempner headshot

I haven’t worked full-time since I had children, but I have definitely experienced the challenge of keeping those kiddos entertained on long Shabbos afternoons in the summertime.

When they were really little, we all took naps, followed by reading, playing, visiting, and usually a walk. Now, we read, play board games, have playdates, and play in the backyard. Sometimes we walk or visit friends. And read some more.

The biggest challenge came was when our children outgrew their naps, but weren’t yet old enough to read or to play without adult supervision. The most pressing issues was that after a long week, my husband and I REALLY needed naps, or at least the ability to rest in a horizontal position without someone crawling on us and begging for attention. I’d look at my three year old at about 2 pm and burst into tears of exhaustion.

Some things that helped:

  • Holding a brachos party midafternoon, with or without guests. You serve fun foods to go with different blessings (mezonot, gefen, eitz, adama, shehakol) and say, “Amein!” to each person’s bracha in turn. My kids love this.
  • Getting games that don’t require reading or arithmetic. Our favorites are Memory (and all the different copycat games) and Hiss.
  • Living in a neighborhood with other families who keep Shabbos (or are at least home and cool with shutting off all devices for a while). There’s nothing nicer after a hot afternoon than a stroll when the temperature begins to cool off. And visiting all those friends you don’t see during the busy weekdays is a real treat. If there’s a park nearby, that’s a great destination, too. Or visit something interesting: a house with a koi pond in front entertained my kids, as well as one with a spectacular garden and interesting lawn art.
  • Getting a teenager to come watch the kids for a while. They can take the kids on a walk, read picture books to them, or monitor them in the backyard. Even if we didn’t actually nap, if we could rest or have a private conversation, it was such a relief.
  • Trying not to go into Shabbos so tired in the first place. At some point, I realized that it was better to serve one or two less dishes if that meant I could go to bed at a decent hour on Thursday or take a nap on Friday afternoon.

Hope these tips help! Just remember that this is usually a temporary stage. Eventually, the kids will make their own social engagements for the afternoons, find books to read, play games with each other, and so on.

Rebecca Klempner is a wife, mom, and writer living in L.A. Her picture book, A Dozen Daisies for Raizy, appeared in 2008, and her short stories and essays have appeared in publications including Tablet Magazine, Binah, Hamodia, and Ami. Her current serial for teens and tweens, “Glixman in a Fix,” appears weekly in Binah BeTween.



My husband does most of the cooking. When it’s just us, we keep it simple. My kids are easily entertained but they end up getting more screen time in the hours before Shabbos starts. On Shabbos, they play together in the basement or we get together with friends. Sometimes my husband will play board games with the boys.

Melissa Amster lives in Maryland (DC Metro area) with her husband, two sons and daughter. When she’s not reading and interviewing authors for her book blog, she works for a Jewish non-profit. In her spare time (what’s that?!?), she likes to watch her favorite shows on TV, bake challah and desserts, and host meals and other gatherings. Check out her personal blog and follow her on Twitter.


Skylar Bader

Well, again, it’s really easy if you don’t have to prep for Shabbat! This is a really common stereotype about frum women, but it doesn’t always hold true for specific individuals.

I don’t have to cook for Shabbat because my father-in-law cooks each week at his house or we all go out somewhere else. I don’t ever have meals in my house, though I hope to host a few in the coming year. I make an effort to do some house cleaning, but that’s about it for Shabbat prep. I’ve been married for almost two years, and we have no children. I’ve also been unemployed for a long time, but I’m now in the process of opening my own law firm. Flexible hours and being my own boss will be really helpful on Fridays. For instance, I plan to make Fridays the day for paperwork and other bureaucratic needs. No meetings!

Before I was married, I also ate out for nearly all my meals or ate simple meals at home alone. I always brought something to contribute to the meal, but it was much less stressful to prepare one thing than a whole meal. I don’t like cooking, and I’d rather spend my time doing other things like reading, working, or listening to a podcast. (Can you tell yet that I’m an introvert?)

I don’t know how well this will work as I get older and our family changes, but my goal is to have as little prep work as possible. Except for the bathroom. I think a freshly-cleaned bathroom is really important to my Shabbat experience! The first major “unnecessary” expense I hope to add is having some housekeeping help. I don’t believe it will feel so unnecessary when my income allows for it or having children requires it.

And I believe that expense will make me a happier person, a better mother, and/or I could make more money working those hours than it would cost to pay someone else to do it. In many ways, Shabbat prep is about opportunity costs for me. Is this really how I want to spend my time? Will taking time to do X, Y, or Z make me bring in Shabbat with a bad attitude? Will it make me irritable and cause me to snap at the people I love? I have to be honest with myself and follow through to make Shabbat as positive an experience as it can be for me. (And yes, I apply this same logic to cleaning for Pesach!)

Skylar Bader is an orthodox convert living in New York City. She wears many hats, which you can check out at www.skylarbader.com. She blogs at crazyjewishconvert.blogspot.com, teaches conversion candidates and kallahs, and is also a lawyer for small businesses. Originally from the South, she has four pets and an addiction to books.


pic of me

First off, you have to know your limits.  If life only allows for you to have the time, energy, money, etc. to make a simple meal, then make that simple meal with happiness.  Better that than putting out an amazing spread but losing your patience or feeling frustration.

With 4 kids and a physician husband who is (seemingly) on call all the time, the idea of an extravagant, ready for Bon Appetite Magazine meal went out the window long ago.  Sometimes, it’s a three course meal or even a 4 courser with various salads and soup and two types of meat and a vegetarian option and dessert–but most of the time, it isn’t.  And we are cool with that.

Learning to manage time is a big one, too.  I do a lot of my shopping Thursday evening or night, and leave Friday for cooking and cleaning.  I’m a stay-at-home mom, so I have that option.  A lot of my friends who work outside the home get a lot of stuff done on Thursdays.  Also, never underestimate the beauty of a slow cooker.  It has saved Shabbat for us more than I would like to admit.  As far an enjoying Shabbat, especially in the summer when it goes late, we do a lot of stuff outside.  We live in a small community in an old suburb, where a lot of houses are quite close together and sidewalks everywhere (I grew up out in the country, where roads didn’t even have stripes down them let alone sidewalks, sidewalks are something that I am still grateful for).

Kids play together, we walk to the park to the jungle gym, or go for surprise hikes in the nature preserve.  We do a lot of walking, which leads to a lot of stopping by at different houses to chat, sometimes for 10 minutes, sometimes for a couple of hours!  We are, by nature, not very extroverted, so this is not something that always came easily to us.  But the reward of strengthened friendships and ties to people is worth stepping outside of ourselves.

Books and magazines are also big in our house for adults, and letting the kids play with their Legos or play food or dress up costumes anywhere in the house is great for them.  It took me a while to not get annoyed when the kids dumped what must be 1,000 Legos on the living room floor, or got out the milk crate of play food and made a restaurant, but now, we are fine with it (as long as they clean it up!).  I want my kids to see Shabbat as a time where Mommy and Abba are chilled out, happy, chatting with each other and with them.  A long Shabbat brings with it a good bit of chaos in our house, and I’ve learned to accept and embrace that!

Emily Chilungu is a 35-year-old mother of four.  An observant Jewish convert married to another observant Jewish convert, from rural Ohio and currently living in upstate New York.


With three little kids underfoot, I’ve found that being organized about Shabbos really helps me be less stressed out on Fridays.  Preferably, I make my menu and shopping list on Tuesday, go shopping on Wednesday, start cooking on Thursday, and, in an ideal world, am finished before the kids come home from school on Friday.  Lately, things have been pushed back a bit, so I’ve been cooking a lot of Fridays, which kind of works, but then I can’t really do anything with my kids, and it gets a little stressful.  I do try to keep it simple, and even though I like to cook and bake, I like my sanity more, so I will limit how much food I make and stick to recipes that don’t involve a lot of steps.

Shabbos morning has become a bit of a trying time this past year, since I am not even remotely proactive about contacting the families that live nearby.  We’ve lived here for a year, and I’ve only made a nominal effort to engage.  That’s my bad, totally.  On the occasions when I do get out and socialize, I don’t regret it.  It’s good for my kids, it’s good for me, so it’s worth whatever effort it takes to get everyone dressed.

On days when we’re either not motivated to go out, or haven’t made any solid plans and don’t feel like chancing it with a surprise visit to a friend (though those can be fun!), we play in the house, on the porch or in the yard.  We recently purchased a sandbox and a trampoline, so that has been extremely helpful.  Now that the weather is (hopefully) becoming more mild, we should be able to make the trek to one of the playgrounds around us.  The closest ones are both about a mile away, so it’s a little miserable to go when it’s hot out.  But fall should be perfect.

Rivki Silver has spent most of her life immersed in the study of music, but for the past six years has been learning about marriage and motherhood.  She writes about relationships, parenthood, music and religion, as seen through the lens of an Orthodox Jewish woman.  Her writing can be found on Kveller.com, Aish.com, PartnersinTorah.org, as well as her blog, LifeintheMarriedLane.com (yes, that’s right here where you are!).  You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.


Introducing: Orthodox Women Talk


Do you remember when I announced the exciting new series where a panel of Orthodox Jewish women will answer your questions about living the life of, you know, an Orthodox Jewish woman?  Well the first post is up over at Keshet’s blog right now!


I am so, so excited to share this with you, and to start a conversation to (hopefully) explore and demystify this often misunderstood and sometimes confusing faction of Jewish life.  I know that before I ever met anyone Orthodox, I had a lot of assumptions, questions, and the like, but it’s not like I could even ever ask anyone.  What was I going to do, go up to someone on the street?  That just wasn’t my style.

This is one amazing benefit of the internet, how it can bring people together who would otherwise not have a chance to interact.

And even now, after living the “Orthodox lifestyle” for about ten years, I *still* have questions about how to manage certain practical aspects, like having little kids and making/enjoying Shabbos (which we’ll actually address in the next OWT post), and how to stay inspired when routine sets in (which we address in part in today’s post).  Just because someone is Orthodox doesn’t mean that they can’t have questions about being Orthodox!

So, on that note, I am really looking forward to our interactions!

Now head on over and check out the first post!  And keep sending in those questions!